Discussion: Pioneer Woman Mode/Packing your Wagon
Pioneer Woman Mode (PWM) – pre invention of modern
psychology.
Most of us have been trying to figure out current
circumstances based on concepts taught in last 100 years. Original 30 years of
psychology was men who were guessing, thus not much differentiation between
sexes. Lots of catch up since
then.
To understand PWM concept, erase everything learned from
science and textbooks. Go back then to
pioneer days, as a women. Think how
we’ve been taught to think now vs. them.
Science now teaches about relationships meeting other’s
needs, and us being dependent on deeds and attitudes of other people for our
well being.
In Nauvoo, it wasn’t a surprise that women would have become
significantly emotionally attached to their lifestyle there. Had moved, and
experienced unpleasantness. This was resting place, and they invested selves in
homes with intent to be there permanently.
This is similar now. We made choice in spouse, with a
permanent ideal (happily ever after). We mentally and emotionally put in lots
of bricks, paint, gardens etc. into our marriages.
Perhaps life insurance idea at first was morbid, however a
Healthy Man wants the woman to have a wagon packed for her safety, and to have
life insurance on him, money in bank, suitcase packed, everything necessary in
case things go wrong. He is more worried about her health and well being than
her being stuck in his home.
Check temperature to see how comfortable he is with you
having packed wagon.
Because of modern science, women are taught what men
“should/supposed” to do. We get caught up in it. Religion teaches this. Imagine
waking up under handcart on other side of Mississippi river. Spend time thinking
about what men were supposed to do so that you weren’t waking up under the
wagon, and what the men should be doing.
Please start journal or letters to self. What instructions
would you give self, if you found self underneath wagon.
- What Do I need to do now, what needs to be done?
A sad experience working with women is that culture hasn’t
been training women to be prepared for devastation.
Rather than focus on “This is horrible, what should I do?”
Recognize with confidence, “I can deal with”.
Maurice’s experience is that women find a place within the mind of “this
is not the life I chose/wanted, but I can handle it”.
- Make list of conversation or questions that aren’t helpful…ie… “he should have…” “he should now”… This is not useful to focus on “shoulds”.
Pioneer Women developed phenomenal relationship with divine
power. When awake in am and realize no one will save day, spent a lot of time
with divinity. What is needed? and how
to do so?
Invite all to create
goal/dream/fantasy/hope that 50-100 years from now that young women will read
about you, and your amazing pioneer response you had to your situation.
Eliza R. Snow didn’t imagine she would become someone we
would look back upon and be impressed with and draw strength from.
- Clarify what a dignified; glorified woman would do as she responds to difficult circumstances, not based on “He Shoulds”.
Woman is now crossing plains, and doing okay on own.
Q: What if man shows up on a horse just as she has gained
confidence, realizing she can do it on her own?
- If he wants to be fed, wants rest, brings attitude of need, correct response is, “sorry, go somewhere else to have needs met”.
Men often come declaring unmet
needs (I’m doing this because you aren’t meeting my needs).
- If man shows up with stack of wood = I’ll trade wood for your whole wagon. Quid pro quo. We don’t have energy for bartering conversation. Man should be so good taking care of self psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, then they can bring whatever is needed.
- If a man brings a bundle of wood. Correct response (& to train teenage daughters) “Thank you for helping with my homework” then buy a pack of gum or soda pop. She shouldn’t take off pants for his help. Neither should pioneer woman. Keep gratitude at a healthy level. Make sure giving back what you would encourage daughter to give back. When would you encourage your daughter to have sex? Under what conditions should she enter physical relationship? If he hasn’t made commitments, or treats her respectfully then no. Likewise men living up to their commitments us now.
- In an interdependent or celestial level – man should bring wood, put where she can use, and leave her alone. Observe what else she needs. Go find an antelope, and bring it back for her, with no hope of something in return.
PWM – responds correctly to his offering.
Nothing – wants to take, respond with strength and dignity.
She protects self with precision and skill, not undignified behavior. When we behave well as a woman, makes feel
more like a woman.
Exchange – if he has to receive something in return. PW will
calculate correct response.
Highest level – mutual consecration, patriarchal order, men
needs to lead process in giving things for free with no expectations, which
generally elicits nurturing response.
Woman’s body, is important message system. When you feel
physically close to man, he probably doing things right. When it feels out of whack, probably doing
it wrong.
Women of pioneer days used to going a long time without man
adding value to life. Men hunted for
food, or called on missions in Europe. Female brain did not hold her breath
from day to day wondering if he will come back.
Many women are waiting for him to bring a commitment, full
disclosures, honesty, showing he loves etc. Yes would be easier, but when wake
up in am and see if you have husband today or not (who is going to be
emotionally stable, behaviorally stable, produce not take). If don’t have
husband, women got up and got own wood, water, food and made best of it. Some wrote songs and promoted hope with
children, that through power of God and own strength will make it. Don’t apologize that things are hard. Recognize, “As a mother, I am strong, and
with God, we are strong”.
Yeah, but is a powerful common satanic attack. Be very careful to not fall for this that
you are a painful exception to this situation.
Today women naively don’t think their husbands will be
attacked every day.
Nephite woman psychology. Imagine trying to raise family in
Nephite days. How did they prepare for frequent attacks? Did they say keep us
safe, or I’ll hate you? Did they sit there waiting for army to keep safe?
When men went to war, in woman’s mind she hoped men would
win battles. Things will be better, men are supposed to win battles. What would
you think if you looked across street and a woman wasn’t making effort for back
up plan, just waiting to see if Lamanites break through and slaughter?
Women need a drawbridge, and sometimes have to leave knights
on other side. They have to discern if
man is fighting as hard as he can, or is he just as much of a threat as the
Lamanites/dragons/enemy are & they need to make that decision everyday.
Stop hoping we don’t live in wartime, and that men have to
fight battles everyday.
There are battles all day long. Not including battles
directly hitting women.
We are in times prophets spoke about living in times of wars
and rumors of wars.
While hard and sad, there is piece of brain that can rise up
that can become strong and dominant and powerful, teaching other women, and
protecting families.
Boundaries are big walls – make sure being discerning, when
man is hurtful. Don’t have to tell him there are walls, just withdraw and take
care of – he will figure it out.
Ultimate goal = Strength, confidence, precision, elegance,
connection with God.
Q: You aren’t supposed to look for man to come help – what
about giving man space to come help? Don’t they need to feel needed?
A: Let’s sift out question – “man can’t function properly
without someone meeting his needs?”
That is a textbook psychology flawed concept. Man needs to
be motivated because he is fulfilling his duty. If woman is starving in house,
he doesn’t need to ask God what needs to be done. You should not be thinking in terms of babysitting or mothering a
man’s brain. If you see something good, you will want to nurture.
Nurture a man because you want to as a good woman, not
because a man needs it.
Q: She has money she is setting aside. At what point do you
stop being PW regarding finances, and decide don’t need a back up PWM $$
account?
A: When daughter comes to you after marriage after 1year
marriage asking, “When do I liquidate my safety account?”
If man is healthy, he will want you to always have a nest
egg, and all of the resources you need to survive in case he disappears. He is
not bothered at all, and feels more secure. Preference that man be informed
about wagon packing so that he understands your well being is a priority, and
so he can care about you.
As you invest in relationship, it is like going into
business. Invest as much as you can and get return on it, but realize that all
investments can go through bankruptcy.
This is a high level investment, which requires courage and confidence.
Some men are like putting money into a slot machine. Only take enough money to
Vegas as willing to lose. You may not hit the jackpot, so don’t invest more
than willing to lose.
Q: He doesn’t know about $, so when do I bring it up, and
when do I stop adding to it?
A: Stop when you could survive comfortably for a decent
amount of time. Ask, “are you still
interested in making sure that I am ok and provided for?” If he says yes, then talk about food storage
and life insurance and stored away money. It can be a good weather check. If he throws fit and gets upset and is
angry, then helps you to know where he is at.
Q: Should I tell him?
A: That is varying in each situation
Q: Pioneer woman concepts in written form?
A: Available in ebook form, contact Jennifer for free copy.
If you have specific questions, email Jennifer or Maurice and this will help
refine writing, and they will get to you in timely manner. Especially if have already read and want
clarification.
Q: How can I be more compassionate and understanding
regarding lost battles, especially when he doesn’t talk to me, tell me when he
is home & says I’m not safe? I know I can’t rescue him.
A: A lot can be learned from patterns of men. If you want to maintain sanity, then spend
more time thinking about him being a weather condition, than by talking to
him. Look at his weather patterns. Anytime a man declares behavior or lack of
is your fault, it is crud. Can’t blame others for behavior.
It is common for women to misbehave verbally etc. because of
“what he did to me”
While have right to pain, right to be angry, nervous…
doesn’t give right to behave in manner that would be embarrassing on
video.
The cycle of negativity in relationship needs to
eliminated. Don’t use his description
of your behavior on how you are doing. Record self during difficult moments, then review and see if you
are proud of how you handled.
Q: If man not ready to keep you informed of wins and losses?
A: Think of it as a knight not ready to tell you how many
dragons are around the corner. You need really big thick walls since you don’t
actually know, and prepare for the worst.
Men may be frustrated on outside of wall. Because they haven’t come inside to keep her informed of what is
going on. They will claim she is being mean.
They don’t consider what it is like to be in her shoes as princess in
castle, not knowing how many dragons are coming, how knight is doing, or even
where he is.
Only option is to create lots of protection
OR don’t, and let it kill you, then rise from the dust (if
you don’t protect self.)
Concern: If I put brick walls and he is on outside, then
that leaves me alone.
A: Yes, not fun, nor fair – and we go back to PWM, crossing
plains barefooted, doing it on our own.
Sad situation, but if man not giving you accurate information, then must
prepare for the worst.
Q: Not sure how to handle this financially.
A: Church leaders being taught to treat divorced women
similarly to widows.
If you have to spend a year now receiving financial
assistance from church, and spend 14 years becoming amazing million dollar mom
– perhaps the church spent $20k on you. Many women go through this, then turn
around and dump million of dollars in fast offerings and give back 2 to 10
times as much as they ever used. Please
don’t starve, when women are putting back lots in now. Look at with perpetual
education mentality.
Concern: Sorry if bishops aren’t responding that way. If not, give Maurice number - He will
contact bishop and or stake president and inspire them. You are also in US where lots live off of
government. There is plenty of $ in case you feel financially devastated,
pioneer women could and did – so can you.
Q: Difficult decision about going to work, and not being
with children, can be painful – like chewing on buffalo hide?.
A: Strong women who can do what they need to, and will.
If they can do it – you can do it. Get ancestor women on
phone and get inspired.
Q: Husband is returning to normal but noticing things not
noticed before - Does it take longer when you’ve been in trauma again, to want
to be intimate again? He is being super hero, but I’m tired, and not really
interested. Frustrated because nurturing thing maybe got shut off? Turn off
pity party? Will it get better?
A: Animal part of brain that keeps statistics on dragons
getting past gates. It isn’t a choice, just evaluation, trust your body, and
it’s signals.
Healthy for men to practice revolving relationship around
something other than sex, and to learn to read signals and be patient. When
things are as they should be, body will react just fine. Key is that it comes
back, under the right conditions, and both can use as a measuring tool or
device. Some are less sexually responsive physiologically/biologically, and
have to involve brain a little more, others have to reign it in.
Q: Sexual abuse?
A: Sexual abuse is a very big complication. It is
responsibility of husband to respect and take into consideration anything that
happened in your developing years, as you are patient with his pre-existing
conditions. As you are compassionate
with extra work he has to do, and it should be vice versa. No great love hath man than he giveth his
life (and sex life) for friend/wife.
Men don’t need sex. Don’t put
into situation of re-trauma just to treat his needs. Recommend skilled
therapist for any trauma before, or during marriage. If doctor diagnoses
something with prostate..not sure. Let husband figure out.
Q: If not quite as responsive, is it my job to get stress
out of my life? What is my responsibility regarding my own intimate
responsiveness?
A: Plan out your
week two week or month, with way you would want to be as a wife – whether with
this husband or another. Possibly
calendar scheduled intimacy as to what is wise for needs of my home. Not his
needs, but what is healthy frequency for when things are doing well. You do have to schedule time to not be
stressed, and to be grateful for what he is doing right. Some women can force thought processes into
head on demand. Consider what is appropriate for circumstances. If he is distant, then it isn’t wise to
schedule time to relax and spend time with him. But do it by what you feel is
appropriate for circumstances. Some
women are work horses and don’t slow down for 8 weeks.
Difficult to train brain for when man is on track, or when
he isn’t on track – but needs to be done.
Q: Noticed when
really down on self, thought it was husband’s fault, but realized it is satan’s
fault. Warrior chemistry works for men, but what can women do to fight satan
more and not focus on negative things?
A: In Maurice’s experience, satan attacks men with
temptation, women with torment. He
takes real situations and makes them worse.
What it means about you etc.
First catch the attacks:
Take a conversation in head. Pretend you have recorded it –
everything being said to you about you. Pretend it is being had with your best
friend or sister. “Too bad you are so
ugly and your husband didn’t like you enough to stay loyal to you”. How would you respond?
Would you turn corner and say, “yes, you have a point, there
are better looking women, and if you took care of self he wouldn’t need to find
other woman to meet his needs.”
Most women have technique of tearing off limbs when
necessary and beating him with them.
How would you respond? (Possibly
walk away rather than standing up…probably reassure that isn’t the case…Q: what
if he keeps following her, and tormenting her?)
Lamanites attack Nephites, what if leaders said, run
away? Eventually they will get you.
Have to pass through uncomfortable circumstance of fighting
back. Many women in this generation are trying to fulfill duty to nurture
–without confrontation.
If you lived in Nephite days – if lamanites got through
walls and came to your door to take your children as slaves, would you become
confrontational.
That feeling in your chest, this is the feeling you need to
have in your head when Satan is in your head.
Not fun, not what women are programmed to do.
Imagine a woman by self with kids and wagon, crossing a
meadow, knows possibly crossing through someone’s land. Indians encircle her.
She says, “hi, is this your beautiful meadow? Thanks for letting me pass
through it.”
Indians respond, “you don’t know what is going on, we will
rape you and take children as slaves.”
Respond, awkward, and try to run away. Doesn’t work.
“Hey I have an idea, extra stuff in wagon, how about you
take it back to your women and children back home”, and try to talk them into
not being mean to you.
Like talking to voices in our heads,…”don’t be mean and I
will give you a cookie.”
Indians, “What do you not understand, here to rape and take
children as slaves.”
This is an extremely difficult psychological
experience. Can’t run away. Can’t run away from Satan attacking your
brain. He is Ruthless, and not going
away. Likes to mess with people.
She has to make a decision. Looks in wagon, and realizes has
a shot gun. Does she let the Indians rape or shoot her shotgun? How does she
feel after shooting them?
Every woman drops gun, cries and wonders if she took too far
vs. man who creates notches for tallies. She wonders for years if she took too
far.
Women’s programming is to be nice and nurture – even to
voices in head. If going to win psychological war against satan, won’t if
doesn’t allow brain to go into battle.
Maurice says, “Dude you’ve messed with wrong person, now I’m
going to do something good that I wasn’t going to do. Go read book with kids, go do something small and simple to kick
his trash.” Welcome to hell and war, it is time to fight.
Q: What do you do if your husband doesn’t disclose that
anything is wrong. Just doesn’t say anything. Then what do you do?
A: All you can do is hear dragons surrounding, all you have
is what you can guess based on instincts and feel. Prepare for worse case
scenario. Intelligent guessing. Don’t overdo though – what is likely thing that
could be happening – prepare for possibility.
Write down on paper what is likely thing that could be going
on, rather than what is probably going on – based on his personality and
history of patterns. Tendency to
accidentally keep hoping he will bring better weather than he actually does….
Q: Husband doing really well, but he won’t do individual
counseling, say “I’m doing okay and since being baptized church has really
helped me”. Why won’t he go to a counselor, since there were reasons why he did
what he did?
A: In I’m not Okay, You’re Not Okay – talks about male
psychology, confidence and competence.
Maurice used to pray, and ask for all of my weaknesses at once, and lets
start handling them now. He said,
“Maurice, I won’t do that. You couldn’t handle it”.
Ladies, no matter how messed up Husband is, his development
and healing etc. will be line upon line precept on precept.
If he is only bringing a few pieces of wood to your
campfire, if he isn’t bringing enough water, or information, you will need to
figure out how to compensate for the difference.
Can say thank you for improvements, but you haven’t arrived.
Thanks for what you brought. I hope you will get the rest of the way there. He
won’t like it, and will tell you you aren’t meeting his emotional needs, but he
needs to get emotional needs from divine source, and not from you. He needs to do well because he is a good
man, not because you encourage him to be so.
If he is doing better, say so.
If not enough, be nice as they hate to not feel enough.
One woman Maurice knows has standard that husband can’t move
back into house until sees a church leader, and does counseling.
You can say “Good job so far, let me know when you have
whole list done”. Don’t remind him, because not your job to mother him. When he wants full relationship, you can ask
if he met everything on list. Don’t
fudge it. Be nice, hopeful, and encouraging.
If he isn’t ready to be husband, then don’t be a wife
yet.
Q: Has list, hasn’t given him list. Wants him to do that,
but doesn’t want him to do it because he has to, but because it comes
naturally.
A: Recognize that you are going farther every day, (as PW
got closer to destination each day) and your list will continue to grow as you
realize you’ve been tolerating some mistreatment behaviors. You may add to your list. Put disclaimer on
list. This is list as I understand things now, and reserve right to receive
revelation. As a healthy man, they
understand women are evolving. Maurice’s wife’s expectations of are that he
should be a better man every year.
Understand difference between good man vs. preferences. If he’s better at chopping wood than
carrying water, you may have to adjust for what he is or isn’t good at.
Yes, give him expectations, with disclaimer – but also wait
until he asks for it. Even slightly apologize. “I’m sure your side of equation
would be better if you knew where I was coming from.” A man working to repair marriage doesn’t need wife to write list,
he should be able to do it himself. But not bad for you to have an intermediary
list in case he asks.
Q: H is trying to recover, but white knuckling. Looks at
finances, which prevents him from pursuing – asks how was meeting etc. Asks
what is difference, what would I look like in recovery, what does recovery look
like. Do I share that with him?
A: Start to create relationship dynamic with man trying to
improve. I’m not a man trainer
(therapist). Doing the women’s part of
this is a full time job. I can barely do my job. As you can tell I don’t even
do my part right all of the time. I lose patience, cry, etc. Thanks for your
confidence. I can’t do both parts.
Yes, it costs a little money…but Thursday nights, is $20
marriage repair workshops, men can have therapy during this if willing to step
forward. Easy to contact office and get enrolled.
In meantime, stay out of mothering mode.
If worried about finances, “you are being careful, want to
do this as economically as possible, I’m going to have to stay in pioneer woman
mode until you figure this out” I can’t relax in presence of untrained man than
I could relax in presence of untrained soldier. Imagine a woman training soldiers to prepare for war when she has
never been to war herself.
Q: She has asked, are we/I worth it?
A: Have to build proper protection and wait until you
develop, and don’t be mad that I’m keeping myself safe while you work things
out.
Q: Noted that trying to protect emotionally. Self
protection, of him, children, all around – when others present.
A:. Don’t get rid of protection mode if there’s still
sufficient threat. Dragons roaming, bad
weather on way. Use paper and pencil to distinguish threats, and strategically
write down responses to emotionally threats – likely threats to family.
Q: Others have worse stories, but not sure if he has
disclosed all.
A: How to recognize satanic attacks of tormenting you vs.
listening to intuition of spirit. Use prayer, ask, “Father trying to warn me,
or Satan are you messing with me?” Satan responds, “nope, not me, not messing
with you.” Then use paper, write down what you are afraid of. You can see ridiculous and unlikely and
extreme. Disclosures that are layered,
usually just a bit worse than what you’ve already heard.
Remember how freaking awesome you are, and no human mortal
can destroy you and you are immortal, it may be a tsunami, but even then,
nothing on this planet can destroy you, so don’t be scared of devastating
things.
Q: Husband has been doing well, but just received text that
husband’s numbers are 0/0. Now needing to remain separated, wanting sobriety. Q
is that he is going to just slip up along the way because not realistic. Is this correct?
A: Be ye therefore perfect. Anytime woman stays with a man after he has misbehaved, it is an
act of mercy. When many misbehaves on sexual level, he has broken temple
covenants, and woman staying is responding with mercy.
Q: Actions were there, but attitudes were a bit off so had raised
red flags along the way.
A: Addict brain has hard time with non-concrete things, want
to be concrete as possible, and take responsibility from woman’s shoulders for
deciding consequences. Recommendation
if moving back into home
1 lost battle = not shared bedroom for 1 day.
If he fails it is 2 days apart
If he fails again it is 3 days apart.
Men should use time apart to really reconnect with divine
power and connect with God. Woman during this time apart, is for her to
remember that she can cross plains on her own without him there taking care of
her. Women need to remember if you are losing mind because he is misbehaving,
then you are relying on arm of man too much. Relationship with God should be
stronger than relationship with husband.
He doesn’t have to tell women anything. Men know when they are on track – sometimes
don’t admit. Can look in review mirror and recognize. Can expect them to rise up to better level.
Q: Stress, can blame mis-behaviors on stress, change etc?
A: No, just because things are influx not a reason to have
lost battles.
Note – Available
Personal Warrior Training: For those that
don’t want group setting, personal warrior trainers are less than therapy, with
trainers who can help men get really good at helping reach goals. Training,
drills, much less expensive etc.
Text Coaching is $20/week. 1/3 pay for it, but it doesn’t do
them any good. Great resource if used.