Q&A with Maurice Harker 4/27/15

A healing sexual relationship is tender like a garden and needs time to grow.
  • Let it go 3 months to get mind and attention on non-sexual parts of relationship. 
  • Allows brain to re-focus.

Write out your own situation, and imagine your 17 year old daughter asked about same situation with her boyfriend. How would you respond and teach her?
“Hey mom, a boy was mean to me today, should I have sex with him?”
“Mom, a boy said he’s having bad day, and if I had sex with him, it would make his day or work better, should I?” 
  • Sexuality should NEVER be used as mental health drug for men. 
  • A woman’s body is not medication, or a tool of therapy.
  • Healthy sexuality, is something a woman will have a natural craving for once she has been in a safe incubator for 3 months.  If man provides, nurturing, edifying safe environment, woman’s body will naturally, and automatically crave celestial sex with her man. 

Man brain is under the impression that woman should be part of their brain loop – to clap and smile and encourage them. They want you to be their encouragement and reward system. 
Appropriate Response:  “Husband, you are smart, and strong, and can connect with God, and I’m sure he will give you the encouragement and support you need to continue being a good man.  I’m going to continue being a good woman, while you get that together.”
  • When man doesn’t need anything from woman, he is on the right road, and very attractive to woman.
  • Women should be quick to encourage, and quick to be kind, but not if it will hurt them. 

Grief and loss 
Q: On vacation – everyone trying to heal from pain, having fun, then back home and reality crashes in.  Back in real life, how do you deal with when you once again see what you could have/should have had?

A: Denial of reality/hope phase. 
We often ignore pain, and the faster the train is going when it crashes, the more pain will be experienced.  Going to have amazing vacation, but reality once home of not safe, he has done hurtful things, puts you into anger and sadness. 
Only things to really do:
  • Label it and emotions appropriately
  • Confirm reality
  • Slide into resignation zone that yeah, things suck. 

When complete, you will recognize how skilled you are at finding some joy on your journey.  When women make and effort at it, they find gratitude and other things. 
You will also find:
  • Lots of satanic attacks – it isn’t fair, doesn’t’ feel right to be grateful for good in life because of all of pain. 
  • Man is sometimes as controllable as weather.  Buckle down and prepare for bad weather.
Maurice’s least favorite word in BOM is Mormon’s adj. that he was “sober.” Not drugs or alcohol. Recognize lots of work to do, buckle down, and get ready to go and do it.

Q – Suggestion for how to behave or be in initial stage…to not enable & How do I behave when he has convinced self that he is fine?
  • Solidify your identity who and what you are. 
  • Make choices based on your identity, and not based on him. 
  • His feedback while working through addiction is pretty worthless.  
  • DO NOT choose your behavior based on his behavior. 
  • Gain consistency in living up to your own character descriptions. 
  • Write a list: I’m the kind of woman who…..
    • then he needs to adjust himself to you, and get to know you.

Back to handbook for daughter.  Do we teach daughter to choose her behavior based on how it will affect boy she is dating? Do we want daughter to change herself for a boy? NO! We want them to get really good at being themselves (17-20) if athlete, be that, musician, shy, be whoever they are.  We don’t want boy to think he is in relationship with girl who is different than who your daughter really is, and we want him to marry who she really is. 
·        It is common for women to change who they are with motive to be “supportive”. 
·        In the patriarchal order, his decisions should be around 3 PR’s. Preside, Protect, Provide. Especially if he is telling you the definition of his needs.

Q - Spiraling – he is losing testimony. Don’t want to go down road and have it get worse. 
2 things hope to rely on. 
  1. Inside every man should be homing device to become divine. Men don’t want to be broken or messed up they want a good connection with God.
    • May have challenge with testimony for time being.  99.9% of all people M has talked to want good life, and do some crazy stuff, before they come back.  Hoping he will figure it out.
  2. Get self on track. Have daily rituals SO that you hear “Well done good and faithful servant, that he accepts your offering”. 
If he is a good man and has desire, he will return to being leader in your home.

Q - What can help heal sexually, and that I can have celestial sexual relationship? 
Men may or may not help with your sexual recovery.  Waiting for them may drive you nuts.  Check to see what condition he is in so you can use him in that process. You will know if he can pay more attention (almost exclusively) to your needs.  Have him participate very gradually.  Usually starts with him. 
Your healing will be solo process between you and your God.  Therapists can help, but can only create good environment to heal, or help direct your thinking especially as many women just listen to husbands in beginning, and husbands have lots of descriptions of how/what is wrong with wife.
  • Journal to ask, is husband’s reponse how God or HG would give me feedback?  If not, throw it out, and get it out of head. 
  • If feedback comes from God, it will come in energy increasing way, and positive way.  Many of us have had a divine rebuke to re-adjust our lives at some time - remember what that felt like. 
  • When being corrected by HG. always comes with package of energy courage and clarity.
  •  If man’s feedback doesn’t come back that way, and isn’t edifying, then toss it. 

If husband is not involved in sexual healing process – you may have to make it a non issue for a while.  Shelf it and work on rejuvenation for a while, since you won’t be having sex for a while. 
If he asks, graciously decline. “No thank you. I’m not in a place for that. No thank you.
If he gets rough, be firm back. Create more boundaries. 

If in stage where man is doing well outside of bedroom, the process is very cautious and tip toe. 
Use Systematic desensitization. 
  • Slowly get a little closer as long as woman is calm and comfortable.
  • Then go back to non-sexual experience. 
  • Allow to let get a little closer – like hand massage, if it feels he is concentrating wholly on you.
  • Then go back to a non-sexual experience. 
  • Repeat, again and again 1,000 times. 

In a relationship (especially sexual) a healthy man should have full control of forces, and a woman should be able to steer everywhere, and he be able to stop on a dime. If woman starts to flinch and push back, he should be able to stop and retreat immediately.
Propaganda teaches men can’t control selves.  The point of no return is a “Load of crap.” He should be able to control self during whole experience. 
If not, tell him that you know he is smart and strong, and able to control his body 100%. He needs to go figure it out, come back when he has. 

Q –
A – A woman wants to do everything she can to stay out of coaching, teaching, man training mode.
  • Don’t let his lack of using his resources as reason for him to come to you.
  • Women have a lot to do on their own healing. 
  • When conversation leans towards coming to you for coaching, tell smart guys, and help recognize tools – text message or phone call to help work through man issues. 
  • If you have relaxed and had some sexual experience with your man, and he thinks it is green light for tomorrow, say, “the other day was really nice, today I’m not ready for that”. 
  • It is hard to set long term boundaries, because it is difficult to predict how long you may be in a certain state of mind, as you may change your mind, and you may not like the time restriction. 
  • Men are smart and we want them to be more interested in reading their wife, and getting to know her.
  • If they ask how you are, and you are distant, then they need to read you, and figure out how can they give you space.  If you need to be held, then they can support you as needed.  They should support you on your own journey, however you need your help.
  • If they don’t know how, then they can use their tools to find answers.


Q - Has sex, but then next day he can’t seem to control self.  He goes into animal brain and loses control. 
A – Say, “Listen. I like having sex with you, but have to go through a lot of girl working my brain in between.  I believe you can control yourself.  Go fix it.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to have sex less often if I won’t feel safe next day.”
Let’s let me initiate sex so that I can learn and get to know myself, and you can be ready when I’m ready. 

Q - Husband showing recovery – faster than expected. Getting good feelings from Lord. When man recovering, doing things he should be doing, won’t be able to keep hands off of him. Holding self back. Worried going to give alcoholic a sip??
A - Still mothering him by deciding what is good or not for him.  Woman has to maintain her own integrity (which might be to throw down in the bedroom).
Be who you are, don’t worry about him. 
It might be a sip for him, but he is going to have to deal with and work through that. 

In Celestial sex, brain doesn’t work same as it does in addict mode. If you follow body, heart and mind, and are in sync, you are initiating a celestial experience. 
Okay to communicate, “Tomorrow you may not get me, and you will have to work out issues tomorrow am, like go for run.  In order for me to maintain integrity with myself we need to spend time in the bedroom.” 
A woman’s system is designed to respond to a good environment.  Men don’t have to do it perfectly. Don’t worry if it is going to last. It’s an in the moment experience, and doesn’t mean anything about tomorrow.  He is responsible for how he manages himself tomorrow.  Even if woman is absolutely irresistible tomorrow, she can say, “that is true, but you have to control yourself regardless.”

It is normal from satanic perspective to attack both husband and wife after good bonding experience.  If worried about it going into it, then acknowledge that tomorrow may be tough.  “Good luck, I’ll work hard tomorrow.” 

We won’t develop healthy a relationship if we don’t take opportunities when planets align for good experiences. 

Maurice - Spoken with many men who have achieved celestial sex experience by refraining for 3 months. 
Antidote is to just leave it alone and take care of her heart and mind and she will take care of your body when it is time.  When done correctly, you have to be careful that you don’t hope that it stays at that level.  It has to go back to first date kind of morning, where it starts out from scratch…friendly, nice roommate until he starts treating you like a wife again.
If he goes for gold first thing in morning, if he is trained right he will know to measure the psychological safety in a woman from scratch every day. 

Movie 50 first dates is great example.
He built relationship up very quickly by using experience reminders. 
Note - You can have sex with him everyday with him, as you want….IF YOU FEEL SAFE. 
When he is on track, you may go through sprees.

Be aware that they can fall back into their cycle, or it may be another cycle.  He may have to work through a new issue.
Don’t be naïve that it will last but enjoy it while it is there.

Q - During addiction process, How can you allow them to see severity of issue when it is dismissed repeatedly?
Women, withdraw to safe distance.  Men may accuse that it is punishing, but reality is that it is getting to safety. Women’s personal bubble reaches to mailbox.  If anything is scary, they feel confined or suffocated. 
In personal time, try to figure out your personal bubble. Then set boundaries, “I need you to be outside of my bubble because it is too scary for me.”
At beginning he may not care, or understand what you mean.  Some women have to get intense.  Women – here’s line in sand.  Do you want to leave, or do I need to go somewhere else?
When line crossed, tough.  Especially when he isn’t willing to work.

Ask man – have you run opinions past God?.  If man says he doesn’t care, and wants to use law instead, then run like hell and get space really fast. 
If you have to pack bags/wagon, be ready for worse case scenario and prepare to be ready.  Don’t hide preparation from him. If he asks, what you are doing?  Respond, “Just preparing to be single incase you don’t figure your stuff out.”

Melissa recommended a book: Conscious Loving -  regarding upper limits.  After sexual experience, reach zenith of emotions. Almost practice expanding upper limit, then going back. Regulate. Individual accountability in marriage.   

Q: He says that it is marriage issue, but not porn issue since he is going through all things he’s supposed to be doing.  Husband wants to share house. Him there for a week, her there for a week.  Therapist recommends Therapeutic separation

A - Make sure separation is presented as your decision, not therapist’s decision.
Run it past God, especially the specific application of the intervention. 

Outline a plan for your own healing. Don’t make a list of what other person needs to do. Then find out what they will do to support your recovery.
Here’s what I need with line items such as:
I need space for a while. What is best for me is to be in the home to fulfill my calling as mother…
Then give him red and green pencil.  Green for what he will support on. Red for what he wont.
If he won’t, you may have to play serious hardball.
Tell him, I will adjust to whatever decisions you make.  I will make a plan based on your reaction as long as you run them past God.  If you and God decide that I need to be ….
Include him and God as a team…. 
“If you decide to get lawyers and feel inspired to drain my bank account and throw me out on the porch like they did in Nauvoo (facetious example),  – as long as you feel like you are inspired by God…then I will do it.
  • Husband is supposed to be assessing your needs. 
  • A residual of addiction is not  understanding her needs. 
  • Be aware that lawyers care more about protecting person in his office, more than protecting family. 
  • More concerned about how they look on outside and probably not telling whole story to ecclesiastical leader.  Many church leaders getting better, but all aren’t there yet.
  • Decide how much hardball you have to play, but don’t not do it just because scary and hard.
  • Should be able to maintain pleasant dignity and integrity. Don’t scream.

Q - Husband only interested in sex once or twice a month.
Intimacy anorexic. Always felt like roommate. Not sure how to deal with. He is open, but doesn’t move on.  Rest of marriage worth enjoyable or worth living in.
A - 1st. buckle down for a long journey.
Once or twice a week, light place hand on shoulder.
Ask, “are you please and satisfied with connection we have together?”
Don’t sit down for intense confrontation.
This question should stimulates conversation with him and HG. 
Then, walk out of room so that he isn’t discussing it with you. 
It should trigger some pondering.
Be edifying about how you ask, with courageous love, and message that I want more, but wonder if you are pleased.
He may say yes. Then you have tough decision, to float that way until you die.
If you ask once or twice a week without confrontation. Hopefully it will create pondering, and create a little urgency to make changes, without it coming from you.

There is place in man brain that allows to be content in unpleasant situation.  Conversation will spark a little spiritual discontent. But just teaspoon at a time. 
You could approach today and ask what had been thinking or hoping for last night, and explain, I’ve been in dormant mode for a while.  If you want to be close, let me know and give me some time to get ready. 
Be aware that any plan based on other person changing puts us in vulnerable position where we can be hurt.

Q – When sets boundaries, husband completely shuts out, ignores, sleeps in another room etc, until she concedes.
A - Passive control techniques. Waits for your thirst to take over.
  • Buckle down and use time wisely regarding what you will and won’t do.
  • Don’t use his actions to determine how you will respond. 
  • Write letter to daughter… “if boy refuses to play game her way, to learn about her, edify and empower her, what would you tell daughter to do?”
  • Trust yourself. Make sure you are aware. 
  • Itemize and clarify your weaknesses. You don’t need man to tell or affirm.  Are you being kind and encouraging?

Mothering a man is when you choose your behavior with intent to change his behavior.  Don’t do this!
  • To establish patriarchal order – he needs to choose behavior as God directs him to be.  Getting to know you, those are enhancements. 
  • Men commonly blame you for their behavior, ie..  Needed porn because you weren’t affectionate. 
  • They may tell children however that they can’t behave poorly just because someone else did. 
IF you find your self in mothering mode:
  • Spend time with God, and shut it down.
  • Move into pleasant roommate mode until he turns into patriarch mode and begins building relationship. 
  • He is waiting for you to change to be woman he wants you to be.
  • NO NO NO NO  You do not raise your husband. 

Q - Feel responsible for husband.  All bros and sisters, but need to take care of selves first
A - At work I’m a therapist. But don’t do it on my wife. 
You are man’s wife. Not his mother. Not his sister, not his therapist. Keep it simple.
Only play one role. Wife role is dependent on man fulfilling his role.  If not patriarch, and acting divinely,…. you don’t have to act as wife. 
  • Then your stewardship shifts into good and pleasant roommate. 
  • If dangerous, it goes into not safe mode. ie. “I hear you are working on a big project.”  Ask things a friendly roommate would ask.  “Hope it works out for you…”
  • Do weather check. See. Am I in house with husband or with roommate or abuser today.
  • Have a plan ready for all three situations.  At end of day, you don’t get to pick how he is.
  • If your plan is to make cookies so he will do better at work… you are in mothering mode.

Don’t do things with intent to change someone else.

Q - Husband previously had problems with porn. Haven’t talked at all. Barely roommates. No communication. How progress beyond this point?
A – Do a Weather check. Check status of his brain.
Use helpful questions: “I just need to know if you are pleased with how things are right now?”
 Don’t ask with intent to cause change. Just to check to see. 
If he responds with some emotion – he is at least alive and could get worse or better.  Retreat. Don’t stick around for long answer.
Read face and body in first 10 seconds more important than words.
Retreat and make plan based on info you have. 
Then prepare yourself to be husbandless for next several days.

Then answer question, “Is it wise based on my experience with this guy to prepare to be single woman or mother?”
If he shows sign of improvement, then maybe there’s hope.
Simple but scary.
Don’t expect him to talk about it.
Ping him. Husband have you had any issues with porn lately?
 A man who is winning battles will be compassionate about answer.
  • Has that been bothering you?
  • I’m sorry you’ve been worried.
  • Here’s where I am… safe response.
  • How sad that you are scared of that.
Or – “What’s wrong with you?!” Of course not. I can’t believe you’d bring it up, lets talk about your problems. 
Sadly, he probably has been or has residuals. 
Now you have info that he isn’t ready to be your husband right now.
Determine what distance you need. 
You will have to determine boundaries, or lines in the sand.

They’ll tell you to find someplace else to go.  If he has a brain, while you pack bags, he shouldn’t have any sanity. Chivalrous brain should short circuit on him. If he lets you drive away, he has serious brain damage. Then call Maurice or Jenn to help walk through next step.
If he turns it back, what are you talking about, what do you mean.  Possible follow up.  “Have you forgotten that there was an issue with this stuff in the past?” 

You don’t want to engage in crazy making and they will keep going.  If conversation feels twisted – it is.  Get out of conversation. Well I got info I needed. Thanks. 
Walk away, make plan based on his response.  Walk away, because you don’t feel safe. 

Men can do it right if they are taught how to do it properly.  It becomes all about how do you create safety for you. 

Maurice:
Married almost 22 years.  Around ½ mark, had some unignorable flaws.  On verge of divorce. Stuff I was doing on accident. In repair process. She set really high standards.  Theme and message she kept sending me was. “You are Maurice. You are amazing and capable. Why would I accept anything less than most phenomenal man on planet?”

Ladies. I like myself more now, than ever before because coaches believed me to be the best – or that could be the best. You can’t be a mothering…
Tell him “you are smart and I know that you can go and figure it out, and find inspiration.”
 
We aren’t doing favors if we don’t believe in them.  Broken slimy guys have done hard work to become glorious heroes to their wives. Men can get really good at job of being husband. Please don’t lower your expectations.