Betrayal
Trauma Glossary
Addictive
Behaviors
Addictive behaviors are unhealthy coping skills used
to mask underlying issues. These behaviors often develop in youth and are used
to numb, avoid, cope with or cover fear, pain, shame, trauma, attachment,
rejection or other issues. As addictive behaviors cause an immediate chemical
reward in the brain, when they are used, neural pathways are created and
reinforced. Because the brain needs new/novel information to stimulate chemical
rewards, addictive behaviors are often progressive and drive the user deeper
into their addictive behaviors. As a result, regardless of one's intent or will
to stop, the individual often falls back into the addictive behaviors.
Addictive behaviors may be punctuated by a pulling away or withdrawal from connection with a spouse or others. Self isolation, a single minded vision, or sole focus on the needs and wants of the addict may also be seen. Empathy and compassion are often replaced with frustration, irritability, coupled with an increased focus on "self" and needs, rather than reaching out, serving, and connecting with others. These behaviors may also include secretiveness, large or undisclosed impulse purchases, non-logical reasoning, and a spouse may often note that something is "off" or not quite right.
Addictive behaviors may be punctuated by a pulling away or withdrawal from connection with a spouse or others. Self isolation, a single minded vision, or sole focus on the needs and wants of the addict may also be seen. Empathy and compassion are often replaced with frustration, irritability, coupled with an increased focus on "self" and needs, rather than reaching out, serving, and connecting with others. These behaviors may also include secretiveness, large or undisclosed impulse purchases, non-logical reasoning, and a spouse may often note that something is "off" or not quite right.
Addict
Brain
Addict brain
refers to a biological/behavioral state when an individual has addictive
chemicals accumulating to an unhealthy level in their brain. This may affect
rational reasoning and judgement, rather than processing from a clear and
logical state. This term is often used with or in lieu of addict fog. Sometimes
in this state, the addict may be solely focused on "chasing the next
hit" or working feverishly to figure out where/when they can act out again
to create another rush of dopamines and chemicals in their brain.
After acting out, residual heightened brain chemicals remain in the brain for 90 days. Behaviors and interactions may be affected by these residual heightened chemicals.
After acting out, residual heightened brain chemicals remain in the brain for 90 days. Behaviors and interactions may be affected by these residual heightened chemicals.
Addict
Fog
Addict Fog
refers to the mental state of a spouse when they are experiencing the effects
of addiction. In this state, they may not be thinking clearly and rationally
and their judgement may be clouded by the chemicals swirling around in their
brain. They may engage in crazy making or gas lighting behaviors. See addict
brain.
Barnacle
Self Care Analogy
Adapted by MaryAnn Michaelis from Thomas S. Monson's
"You Make A Difference" May 1988
“To some it may seem strange to see ships of many nations
loading and unloading cargo along the docks at Portland, Oregon. That city is
100 miles from the ocean. Getting there involves a difficult, often turbulent
passage over the bar guarding the Columbia River and a long trip up the
Columbia and Willamette Rivers. “But ship captains like to tie up at Portland.
They know that as their ships travel the seas, a curious salt water shellfish
called a barnacle fastens itself to the hull and stays there for the rest of
its life, surrounding itself with a rock-like shell. As more and more barnacles
attach themselves, they increase the ship’s drag, slow its progress, decrease its
efficiency. “Periodically, the ship must go into dry dock, where with great
effort the barnacles are chiseled or scraped off. It’s a difficult, expensive
process that ties up the ship for days. But not if the captain can get his ship
to Portland. Barnacles can’t live in fresh water. There, in the sweet, fresh
waters of the Willamette or Columbia, the barnacles loosen and fall away, and
the ship returns to its task lightened and renewed. “Sins are like those
barnacles. Hardly anyone goes through life without picking up some. They
increase the drag, slow our progress, decrease our efficiency. Unrepented,
building up one on another, they can eventually sink us. “In His infinite love
and mercy, our Lord has provided a harbor where, through repentance, our barnacles
fall away and are forgotten. With our souls lightened and renewed, we can go
efficiently about our work and His” (“Harbor of Forgiveness,” 30 Jan. 1988, p.
16).
In applying this analogy to betrayal trauma and self care, the pains and burdens that we carry are like these barnacles. They weigh us down - especially if we try to carry them all on our own. When we feel like we aren't able to talk about and share our stories with others (who have earned the right to hear them), it weighs us down. We are filled with lots of negative emotions, energy and unexpressed pain. Life becomes more heavy, confusing and more difficult.
Self care can be compared to the fresh waters in this analogy. Self-care requires, and allows us to take time to allow ourselves to heal. We sit quietly, we meditate, spend time in the temple, exercise, and focus on our emotional, spiritual, physical and mental needs. We slow down and we move our focus from the things that we can't control (other's behaviors) to those things which we can control - our own behaviors.
As we focus on our own behaviors, allowing ourselves to take personal self care time, our barnacles can begin to fall from our hulls. We are able to release our burdens. As we take this time spiritually, our relationship with God is strengthened. As our relationship with God is strengthened, the weight of the barnacles lessens. They don't drag us down as much anymore as we are able to give our burdens to the Lord.
As we do physical self care, our minds and bodies receive stretching, fresh oxygen, and lots of feel good natural chemicals that naturally lift our moods and spirits. We move from a state of fight or flight and darkness begins to lift as more barnacles drop off.
As we focus on emotional self care, we are able to honor our emotions. We journal and move our thoughts that are inside our heads to paper, where we can look at them objectively. We can recognize Satan's lies. We also find outlets to release the negative emotions and energy - in positive ways that align with our value systems. And more barnacles drop off.
Our mental self care includes education, information and learning. We learn who we are. What we like. We start to learn, see, and tap into our own divinity and power. We learn about tools and resources for our own healing journey and as we begin to utilize them, we are lifted and lightened as more barnacles fall away and we are less weighed down.
While the ships in this analogy just have to sit, waiting for the barnacles to fall off, self care requires action. Sometimes these actions may be small and quiet, yet they require some sort of action. As we are doing these things, seemingly without our notice, our barnacles of secrets, suffering and pain will slowly begin to lessen and eventually they will be removed and lifted.
Self care allows us to find hope, peace, lightness, so that we are able to move forward, more swiftly - healing, rather than requiring an entire overhaul because we ignored those things that were dragging us down.
In applying this analogy to betrayal trauma and self care, the pains and burdens that we carry are like these barnacles. They weigh us down - especially if we try to carry them all on our own. When we feel like we aren't able to talk about and share our stories with others (who have earned the right to hear them), it weighs us down. We are filled with lots of negative emotions, energy and unexpressed pain. Life becomes more heavy, confusing and more difficult.
Self care can be compared to the fresh waters in this analogy. Self-care requires, and allows us to take time to allow ourselves to heal. We sit quietly, we meditate, spend time in the temple, exercise, and focus on our emotional, spiritual, physical and mental needs. We slow down and we move our focus from the things that we can't control (other's behaviors) to those things which we can control - our own behaviors.
As we focus on our own behaviors, allowing ourselves to take personal self care time, our barnacles can begin to fall from our hulls. We are able to release our burdens. As we take this time spiritually, our relationship with God is strengthened. As our relationship with God is strengthened, the weight of the barnacles lessens. They don't drag us down as much anymore as we are able to give our burdens to the Lord.
As we do physical self care, our minds and bodies receive stretching, fresh oxygen, and lots of feel good natural chemicals that naturally lift our moods and spirits. We move from a state of fight or flight and darkness begins to lift as more barnacles drop off.
As we focus on emotional self care, we are able to honor our emotions. We journal and move our thoughts that are inside our heads to paper, where we can look at them objectively. We can recognize Satan's lies. We also find outlets to release the negative emotions and energy - in positive ways that align with our value systems. And more barnacles drop off.
Our mental self care includes education, information and learning. We learn who we are. What we like. We start to learn, see, and tap into our own divinity and power. We learn about tools and resources for our own healing journey and as we begin to utilize them, we are lifted and lightened as more barnacles fall away and we are less weighed down.
While the ships in this analogy just have to sit, waiting for the barnacles to fall off, self care requires action. Sometimes these actions may be small and quiet, yet they require some sort of action. As we are doing these things, seemingly without our notice, our barnacles of secrets, suffering and pain will slowly begin to lessen and eventually they will be removed and lifted.
Self care allows us to find hope, peace, lightness, so that we are able to move forward, more swiftly - healing, rather than requiring an entire overhaul because we ignored those things that were dragging us down.
Betrayal
Trauma
Betrayal
trauma occurs when women discover that their spouse is or has been
engaging in sexual addiction(s) and/or sexual misbehaviors. It includes
triggers and emotional recall of traumatic experiences, usually involving
discovering their spouse's infidelity - virtual or otherwise. Betrayal trauma
occurs not because of the sexual acting out itself, it occurs with the lies and
manipulation that have been happening in a relationship that was built on trust
and safety. When trust and safety have been broken, relationship/betrayal
trauma occurs. Betrayal Trauma includes PTSD like symptoms, including flashes
of intense emotions and triggers.
Boundary
A boundary is an IF/Then statement
that allows the individual to create safety for themselves. They recognize that
they can't control another's actions or take away their agency. A boundary is
then a tool that specifies what they will do or need to do to create safety for
themselves in an unsafe environment. For example, "I recognize that you
have your agency and can choose to look at pornography in our home. However, IF
you choose to view pornography in our home, in order to keep myself and our
children safe, THEN I will need to leave and take the children with me for our
spiritual and emotional safety." A boundary is not a consequence, it is a
safety tool, and it is most effective when carefully and prayerfully
pre-determined and disclosed.
Codependency
Codependency is
characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship
where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional
and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another
person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior. Co-dependents
often feel compelled to solve other people's problems, and codependency is
often tied to enabling behavior - they usually end up taking on the
irresponsible addict’s responsibilities.
Their behavior starts as a well-intentioned desire to help, but in later stages of addiction, they act out of desperation. The family dynamics become skewed, so that the spouse increasingly over-functions and the addict increasingly under-functions.
This builds resentment on both sides, along with the addict’s expectation that the over-functioning partner will continue to make things right when the addict doesn’t meet his or her responsibilities.
Some examples of codependency are: not being okay because a spouse is not okay or making poor decisions, doing everything for or expending all of your energy on behalf of your spouse, feeling trapped in your relationship, being the one that is constantly making sacrifices in the relationship.
Their behavior starts as a well-intentioned desire to help, but in later stages of addiction, they act out of desperation. The family dynamics become skewed, so that the spouse increasingly over-functions and the addict increasingly under-functions.
This builds resentment on both sides, along with the addict’s expectation that the over-functioning partner will continue to make things right when the addict doesn’t meet his or her responsibilities.
Some examples of codependency are: not being okay because a spouse is not okay or making poor decisions, doing everything for or expending all of your energy on behalf of your spouse, feeling trapped in your relationship, being the one that is constantly making sacrifices in the relationship.
Crazy
Making
See Gas Lighting
D-Day
D-Day refers to Discovery or
Disclosure day. This is the moment when a grenade lands in the spouse's lap,
and she discovers or it is disclosed to her that her spouse has a sexual
addiction, or has been acting out in sexual misbehaviors. Her whole world, and
the foundation of trust upon which her marriage and relationship was built is
blown to bits. She is left dazed, in trauma - with PTSD triggers, wounded
immeasurably, and in a maelstrom as she tries to distinguish truth from deceit.
Detaching/Detachment
Detaching doesn't mean
that you stop caring. It means that one honestly stops taking responsibility
for another's behavior. One still feels compassion, and hopes for the miracle
of a changed heart, but doesn't beat themselves up when it doesn't happen. Part
of detachment is recognizing the powerlessness in owning another's actions, and
stepping into a space focusing on one's own actions. If a spouse is making
unhealthy choices, it would be unwise to continue to try to correct, or cling
to them. As one detaches emotionally, they continue to treat their spouse with
respect and kindness - just as they would a roommate or neighbor, but they
don't engage emotionally in unsafe relationships.
Elevated Chemicals
See Brain Chemicals
Enabling
Enabling removes the
natural consequences to an addict of their behavior, and allows them to
maintain or continue irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behaviors
which are damaging and unhealthy. Professionals warn against enabling because
evidence has shown that an addict experiencing the damaging consequences of his
addiction on his life has the most powerful incentive to change. Enablers, rather
than addicts, suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior, when rather than
refusing to accept their behaviors, they allow them to continue.
When dealing with sexual addiction, if a spouse chooses not to utilize boundaries, and steps around the issues rather than addressing them, she enables continued addiction and misbehavior.
When dealing with sexual addiction, if a spouse chooses not to utilize boundaries, and steps around the issues rather than addressing them, she enables continued addiction and misbehavior.
Gas Lighting
Gas Lighting and Crazy Making are
interchangeable terms for this phenomenon. Perhaps you find yourself feeling
secure in your opinion or feeling regarding something your partner has done.
Yet, once you begin to discuss this perception with the other you second guess
and doubt what had been firmly in mind. This type of pattern leaves the
recipient with "makes-me-crazy" spinning and they are never able to
be sure if what they think or are feeling is valid. As a result, they are left
hesitant regarding their decisions and ashamed of their emotions. Typically,
the culprit who makes you feel crazy in these situations is actually projecting
their own insecurities and self-hatred onto you.
God
Triangle
This analogy illustrates the
importance of reliance upon God, rather than relying on the arm of flesh.
Imagine a triangle, with equal sides, with Heavenly Father at the top, the husband in the bottom left corner, and the woman in the bottom right corner.
In dealing with a spouse's sexual addiction, there's a lot of pain. The wife just wants things to go back to how they were before, or to return to the dream that was promised when she married her husband. And so, many times, the wife will put all of her focus on her husband, trying to help him in his recovery or to find answers and tools that he can use to stop the addiction. As she does this, she often finds that she feels lonely, confused, consumed, dark, heavy, hopeless, exhausted, helpless, despair, and fear. As she does this, she is relying on the arm of flesh - she is trying to rely on her husband to take care of things, and take her back to what was promised, or the life they previously had.
When he says (or indicates) "...I can't do that," she may feel that he is being disconnected, mean, unreliable, irritable, frustrating etc. As she realizes that she can't rely on him and his recovery for her to be okay, she retreats back to her corner of the triangle and says "fine, I'll do it on my own - I don't need you." Although she thought this would be better or easier, she usually feels overwhelmed, confused, rejected, hurt, abandoned, and experiences dark heavy feelings. She is surprised to realize that she doesn't feel any better than she did before.
If she relies on her husband to fix everything so she can feel better, it won't work. Similarly, if she just relies on herself to fix everything, she finds she feels overwhelmed and also doesn't feel any better.
If she can turn to Heavenly Father, there she can find peace, calm, clarity, guidance, direction, light, freedom, and happiness.
She may realize, "I feel lonely, disconnected, overwhelmed, etc. I'm having a hard time and trying to do it on my own. I feel lonely confused, hopeless etc. when my husband is having a hard time. The emotions I want to feel though are the calm, peaceful, clarity, light, guidance so how do I get there?"
Self care and authenticity are tools which bring her closer to, and allow her to be able to rely upon Heavenly Father and find those feelings she seeks. Self care means that she takes personal action in her healing, and it is a ladder that brings her closer to God. This ladder leads her out of chaos. The rungs of the ladder include spiritual, physical, emotional and mental self care. Examples of these may be prayer, exercise, scriptures/conference talks, studying and gaining knowledge of addiction and betrayal trauma, mindfulness and meditation etc. If she is able to take care of herself, then she'll be more peaceful and calm and not as affected by these things. Self care is action oriented, and she must have continuous action to move her from her state of pain.
There is a misconception however, that if she's moving towards God, then it feels like she's moving away from her husband. In reality, the beauty of this triangle is that where ever she is on the ladder - she is never any further away from her husband from any point in the triangle. She can know what to do and have her direction, moving towards God as she seeks peace when her husband cycles or acts out, instead of being stuck. She can still do all of the things on her ladder and still love her husband. As she finds the peace and calm, the clarity and guidance that Heavenly Father provides, she will have help to know what to do if her husband is acting out, and she will know what to do to find her own peace.
Imagine a triangle, with equal sides, with Heavenly Father at the top, the husband in the bottom left corner, and the woman in the bottom right corner.
In dealing with a spouse's sexual addiction, there's a lot of pain. The wife just wants things to go back to how they were before, or to return to the dream that was promised when she married her husband. And so, many times, the wife will put all of her focus on her husband, trying to help him in his recovery or to find answers and tools that he can use to stop the addiction. As she does this, she often finds that she feels lonely, confused, consumed, dark, heavy, hopeless, exhausted, helpless, despair, and fear. As she does this, she is relying on the arm of flesh - she is trying to rely on her husband to take care of things, and take her back to what was promised, or the life they previously had.
When he says (or indicates) "...I can't do that," she may feel that he is being disconnected, mean, unreliable, irritable, frustrating etc. As she realizes that she can't rely on him and his recovery for her to be okay, she retreats back to her corner of the triangle and says "fine, I'll do it on my own - I don't need you." Although she thought this would be better or easier, she usually feels overwhelmed, confused, rejected, hurt, abandoned, and experiences dark heavy feelings. She is surprised to realize that she doesn't feel any better than she did before.
If she relies on her husband to fix everything so she can feel better, it won't work. Similarly, if she just relies on herself to fix everything, she finds she feels overwhelmed and also doesn't feel any better.
If she can turn to Heavenly Father, there she can find peace, calm, clarity, guidance, direction, light, freedom, and happiness.
She may realize, "I feel lonely, disconnected, overwhelmed, etc. I'm having a hard time and trying to do it on my own. I feel lonely confused, hopeless etc. when my husband is having a hard time. The emotions I want to feel though are the calm, peaceful, clarity, light, guidance so how do I get there?"
Self care and authenticity are tools which bring her closer to, and allow her to be able to rely upon Heavenly Father and find those feelings she seeks. Self care means that she takes personal action in her healing, and it is a ladder that brings her closer to God. This ladder leads her out of chaos. The rungs of the ladder include spiritual, physical, emotional and mental self care. Examples of these may be prayer, exercise, scriptures/conference talks, studying and gaining knowledge of addiction and betrayal trauma, mindfulness and meditation etc. If she is able to take care of herself, then she'll be more peaceful and calm and not as affected by these things. Self care is action oriented, and she must have continuous action to move her from her state of pain.
There is a misconception however, that if she's moving towards God, then it feels like she's moving away from her husband. In reality, the beauty of this triangle is that where ever she is on the ladder - she is never any further away from her husband from any point in the triangle. She can know what to do and have her direction, moving towards God as she seeks peace when her husband cycles or acts out, instead of being stuck. She can still do all of the things on her ladder and still love her husband. As she finds the peace and calm, the clarity and guidance that Heavenly Father provides, she will have help to know what to do if her husband is acting out, and she will know what to do to find her own peace.
Grieving
Grieving is an important part of
healing from betrayal trauma. As an individual experiences D-Day, she discovers
that portions of her history with her spouse included lying and cheating, and
she realizes that she was living with deception. As she begins to process the
betrayal, she will mentally sift through experiences and interactions with her
spouse, re-examining and filling in information that was previously surrounded
with doubt, holes or gaps, and uncertainty. She will fill in holes and pieces
as she re-constructs her shared history with her spouse, as well as her frame
of reference with him - as everything she previously believed has been pulled
out from under her. As such, she will process through the grief cycle as she
works through her healing from this betrayal.
The
Grief Cycle
The Grief cycle was identified by
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as emotions and a process which individuals go through as
they experience grief. There are 5 stages of this cycle including 1. Denial and
isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who
are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or
experience all of them. The emotions involved with this grief cycle can often
feel like a pin-ball machine, the emotions pinging back and forth without rhyme
or reason - often many are experienced simultaneously.
Hit
By A Truck
We use an analogy of being hit by a
truck to illustrate what a woman experiences & her healing process, upon
discovering of, or a spouse’s disclosing of his sexual addiction and/or
misbehaviors.
In this analogy, the husband is driving a big truck down the road, but the windows are foggy, and he isn’t able to see out of them clearly. Because of this, as he drives, he careens down the street. As his wife sees his erratic driving, she runs alongside trying to help him, shouting out, “honey, a little more to the left, you’ve just gone over the curb!” and “oh, no -watch out for the neighbor’s flower bed!” and “oops, watch out! You are going to hit the kids who are playing on the lawn!” As she runs along shouting instructions, she tries to help him, to keep him safe, and protect others in his path and around him.
And then, in the process, he swerves and doesn’t see her there – because his windows are foggy (addict fog or addict brain) and she gets run over by this truck. For the wife, this is usually D-Day – when she discovers or he discloses his addiction/misbehaviors. Unknowingly, she had been running along, trying to help him – knowing something was off or not quite right, but not knowing exactly what. She may have shared articles, and books or information with him, that could be helpful to whatever he was dealing with, and oftentimes, throughout the journey, she would think it had something to do with her – if only she were thinner, prettier, smarter, more accomplished etc… then he would be interested in her, or wouldn’t act that way. And so she has spent a lot of time questioning herself and her worth …but in the end Disclosure/Discovery day hits, and she is hit by this big truck that her husband is driving.
After D-Day, as her husband gets out of the cab, he wipes his forehead and says, “Phew! I am SO glad to be out of that truck -that was crazy. I can’t believe it…I couldn’t see anything… it was so foggy. I’m so glad I can see clearly now!” Everything is finally out in the open – now he doesn’t have to hide it anymore…what a relief! And so, as he jumps out of the cab to the ground, he looks around for his wife. He may be relieved that everything is out in the open now and be ready to start working with the Bishop and with his support group - working on his recovery and repentance. As he looks for his wife, he and others may show some frustration. Where in the dickens is his wife? Why isn’t she here helping him? At a time like this, she should be there by his side helping him! Others may also ask why she isn’t there by his side, helping him - she’s his wife, can’t see understand how much help and support he needs? He needs to talk to the Bishop and it’s going to be hard, and he needs her to hold his hand and help him while he goes to this meeting - he needs her help and support while he works on his recovery, because it is going to be really hard, and he isn’t sure if he can do it without her help.
When he finally finds her, he discovers that she is on the ground, lying in a heap, with every single bone in her body crushed and broken. Even though he has an important meeting to go to, he and others may not realize that she needs surgery – and she can’t help him. She has to focus on her own healing. It will take a long time, and she will be in the hospital, in a full body cast for the next several months. She’s in no place to be able to help him, because she has been so painfully crushed, and she will need to use all of her strength, energy and focus to work on her own healing. She may not be able to function, or even get dinner for her kids for a while. She has a very separate journey of healing that she will need to take, and while she would love to help support her husband in his recovery, she is incapable of helping him.
Part of her recovery will be learning to deal with the Betrayal Trauma and the accompanying PTSD type triggers and symptoms caused by his disclosure and actions. She may experience anxiety, intense emotions, self-questioning and doubt, depression, triggering, and she will go through a grieving process.
As she heals, she will need to be able to share her story with other trusted individuals, so that she can process through her pain and emotions, rather than having to bury and hide her emotions in secrecy and shame. This is often most effective in a therapeutic group setting, where she can find validation, express her pain, and learn to set and use appropriate boundaries, through which she can create safety for herself and her children; honor her emotions with dignity, and the importance of self-care – connecting to Heavenly Father every day, and taking care of herself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally each day.
In this analogy, the husband is driving a big truck down the road, but the windows are foggy, and he isn’t able to see out of them clearly. Because of this, as he drives, he careens down the street. As his wife sees his erratic driving, she runs alongside trying to help him, shouting out, “honey, a little more to the left, you’ve just gone over the curb!” and “oh, no -watch out for the neighbor’s flower bed!” and “oops, watch out! You are going to hit the kids who are playing on the lawn!” As she runs along shouting instructions, she tries to help him, to keep him safe, and protect others in his path and around him.
And then, in the process, he swerves and doesn’t see her there – because his windows are foggy (addict fog or addict brain) and she gets run over by this truck. For the wife, this is usually D-Day – when she discovers or he discloses his addiction/misbehaviors. Unknowingly, she had been running along, trying to help him – knowing something was off or not quite right, but not knowing exactly what. She may have shared articles, and books or information with him, that could be helpful to whatever he was dealing with, and oftentimes, throughout the journey, she would think it had something to do with her – if only she were thinner, prettier, smarter, more accomplished etc… then he would be interested in her, or wouldn’t act that way. And so she has spent a lot of time questioning herself and her worth …but in the end Disclosure/Discovery day hits, and she is hit by this big truck that her husband is driving.
After D-Day, as her husband gets out of the cab, he wipes his forehead and says, “Phew! I am SO glad to be out of that truck -that was crazy. I can’t believe it…I couldn’t see anything… it was so foggy. I’m so glad I can see clearly now!” Everything is finally out in the open – now he doesn’t have to hide it anymore…what a relief! And so, as he jumps out of the cab to the ground, he looks around for his wife. He may be relieved that everything is out in the open now and be ready to start working with the Bishop and with his support group - working on his recovery and repentance. As he looks for his wife, he and others may show some frustration. Where in the dickens is his wife? Why isn’t she here helping him? At a time like this, she should be there by his side helping him! Others may also ask why she isn’t there by his side, helping him - she’s his wife, can’t see understand how much help and support he needs? He needs to talk to the Bishop and it’s going to be hard, and he needs her to hold his hand and help him while he goes to this meeting - he needs her help and support while he works on his recovery, because it is going to be really hard, and he isn’t sure if he can do it without her help.
When he finally finds her, he discovers that she is on the ground, lying in a heap, with every single bone in her body crushed and broken. Even though he has an important meeting to go to, he and others may not realize that she needs surgery – and she can’t help him. She has to focus on her own healing. It will take a long time, and she will be in the hospital, in a full body cast for the next several months. She’s in no place to be able to help him, because she has been so painfully crushed, and she will need to use all of her strength, energy and focus to work on her own healing. She may not be able to function, or even get dinner for her kids for a while. She has a very separate journey of healing that she will need to take, and while she would love to help support her husband in his recovery, she is incapable of helping him.
Part of her recovery will be learning to deal with the Betrayal Trauma and the accompanying PTSD type triggers and symptoms caused by his disclosure and actions. She may experience anxiety, intense emotions, self-questioning and doubt, depression, triggering, and she will go through a grieving process.
As she heals, she will need to be able to share her story with other trusted individuals, so that she can process through her pain and emotions, rather than having to bury and hide her emotions in secrecy and shame. This is often most effective in a therapeutic group setting, where she can find validation, express her pain, and learn to set and use appropriate boundaries, through which she can create safety for herself and her children; honor her emotions with dignity, and the importance of self-care – connecting to Heavenly Father every day, and taking care of herself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally each day.
Honoring
Emotions
Honoring emotions refers to
recognizing and identifying what the emotion is, naming and allowing oneself to
feel and allow the energy of the emotion wash over them, and then standing in
and stating one’s truth. Difficult emotions are easily and quickly pushed down
as one tries to avoid pain and fear. Pushing emotions down instead of acknowledging
and processing through them creates a hindrance to healing. Emotions should be
honored in manners that correlate to one's behavior systems and with integrity,
so that a backlash of shame and emotions doesn't arise due to reactive
behaviors outside of one's honor system.
Journaling is an effective method of honoring emotions as it moves the emotions and thoughts from the head - where they were swirling around, to paper where they can be viewed objectively.
Journaling is an effective method of honoring emotions as it moves the emotions and thoughts from the head - where they were swirling around, to paper where they can be viewed objectively.
Lava/Volcano
Analogy – Jennifer Johnson, CMHC
Within the base of a volcano, lava
swirls, sometimes bubbling and popping, but generally remaining at the same
level. This swirling lava is used to represent some of our underlying emotions
such as shame, fear, pain, hopelessness, helplessness, heavy and dark feelings,
abandonment, despair, confusion and loneliness. Sometimes things happen
triggering our emotions. When triggered, they rise, and we blow our top and
lose control. We may finally reach that point where we say, "this is
awful, and I am sick and tired of it, and it needs to stop!" and then our
anger comes out to protect us. When this happens, our lava - or anger, bursts
out and burns everyone around us; it can look like yelling, screaming, hitting,
jabbing, criticizing and fault finding, blaming, irritation, and passive
aggression. This burning lava doesn't always explode into the sky and land on
anyone around you, instead it may quietly trickle and burble down the side of
the volcano. While not explosive, it still burns and hurts the ones we love as
it trickles down the side, still indicating, "I need to protect
myself". This may be expressed through passive aggression, isolation,
ignoring and stonewalling.
It is important to understand that anger is a valid secondary emotion, and it is protective in purpose. Not only does it protect it also gives a burst of energy to propel you forward in decision making. Pain, fear and shame are main emotions at the base of our anger with many other underlying emotions. We will always experience emotions, and as we do so, it is important to learn to process and express them while maintaining our integrity and dignity. When we let our lava fly all over those around us we are choosing reactive behaviors, we walk away feeling bad, regretful, and guilty for the things we've said and done because they are hurtful and ultimately outside of our value system of who we truly are. Because reactive behaviors are not what we would typically speak or ways we would act we can feel even worse after the energy from the anger has dissipated.
If we can identify the triggering emotions at our base, (the lava - shame, fear, pain etc.) then we can honor and process through these emotions so that the anger and protective or reactive behaviors don't spew out. If we can identify, "I feel like yelling and screaming.." this red flag can help us recognize that we need to figure out what is going on underneath. As we identify (name) and honor these emotions, allowing ourselves to acknowledge, examine, feel, and experience them, then less lava will spew out to explode and burn those around us, including ourselves.
It is important to understand that anger is a valid secondary emotion, and it is protective in purpose. Not only does it protect it also gives a burst of energy to propel you forward in decision making. Pain, fear and shame are main emotions at the base of our anger with many other underlying emotions. We will always experience emotions, and as we do so, it is important to learn to process and express them while maintaining our integrity and dignity. When we let our lava fly all over those around us we are choosing reactive behaviors, we walk away feeling bad, regretful, and guilty for the things we've said and done because they are hurtful and ultimately outside of our value system of who we truly are. Because reactive behaviors are not what we would typically speak or ways we would act we can feel even worse after the energy from the anger has dissipated.
If we can identify the triggering emotions at our base, (the lava - shame, fear, pain etc.) then we can honor and process through these emotions so that the anger and protective or reactive behaviors don't spew out. If we can identify, "I feel like yelling and screaming.." this red flag can help us recognize that we need to figure out what is going on underneath. As we identify (name) and honor these emotions, allowing ourselves to acknowledge, examine, feel, and experience them, then less lava will spew out to explode and burn those around us, including ourselves.
Lost
Battle
As we recognize that Satan's primary focus and goal is to destroy us, our marriages, and our relationships, the term lost battle refers to the daily battles which occur between ourselves and Satan. Some of our battles occur in our minds as we experience thoughts, which we choose to listen to or ignore - including negative self talk. Other battles are fought and lost/won through our daily choices and interactions. A battle is "lost" when we choose to engage in, or act with behaviors that exist outside of our value systems.
Love
Vs. Lust Vs. Sexual Addiction
Love is an intense feeling of affection and care
towards another person, with a deep concern for their well-being. It is a
profound and caring attraction.
On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the "real person" surfaces. It's the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she "can do no wrong." Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.
Signs of Lust: Focus on a person's looks and body, interest in having sex, but not in having conversations, keeping the relationship on a fantasy level, not discussing real feelings.
Signs of Love: A desire to spend quality time together in various activities (other than sex.) One gets lost in conversation and forgets about the passing hours. A desire to honestly listen to and understand each other's feelings, serve, and help to create comfort and happiness for the other individual. Their influence creates a desire to strive to be a better person.
On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the "real person" surfaces. It's the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she "can do no wrong." Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.
Signs of Lust: Focus on a person's looks and body, interest in having sex, but not in having conversations, keeping the relationship on a fantasy level, not discussing real feelings.
Signs of Love: A desire to spend quality time together in various activities (other than sex.) One gets lost in conversation and forgets about the passing hours. A desire to honestly listen to and understand each other's feelings, serve, and help to create comfort and happiness for the other individual. Their influence creates a desire to strive to be a better person.
Lust/Sexual
Addiction
Lust
Addiction Tree Analogy
Imagine a tree with deep roots
running into the ground.
The Roots: The base of the tree and it's roots represent fear, pain, shame, trauma, neglect etc. In order to not experience or feel these difficult emotions, at some point the individual discovers that they can mask, numb, hide or cope with them by using sexually addictive behaviors.
The Trunk: The trunk of the tree represents "lust addiction," as it supports the disconnecting, numbing and isolating behaviors which have been adopted to deal with the difficult issues at found at the root of the tree.
The Branches: Because the brain requires new information to create the chemicals which produce the numbing or coping sensations, sexual misbehaviors are often progressive, and varied. The branches which represent these misbehaviors may include: pornography, masturbation, strip clubs, topless bars, sexting, chatting with other women, massage parlors, voyeurism, inappropriate touching, prostitutes, affairs, raking a woman over as he looks at her, checking other women out, magazines, emotional affairs, dating websites, flirting, fantasizing, online or inappropriate relationships or media. These misbehaviors create chemical surges in the brain which feed the lust addiction - ultimately numbing pain, fear and shame which often lie at the root of the tree.
All of these sexual misbehaviors can cause betrayal trauma to the spouse.
The Roots: The base of the tree and it's roots represent fear, pain, shame, trauma, neglect etc. In order to not experience or feel these difficult emotions, at some point the individual discovers that they can mask, numb, hide or cope with them by using sexually addictive behaviors.
The Trunk: The trunk of the tree represents "lust addiction," as it supports the disconnecting, numbing and isolating behaviors which have been adopted to deal with the difficult issues at found at the root of the tree.
The Branches: Because the brain requires new information to create the chemicals which produce the numbing or coping sensations, sexual misbehaviors are often progressive, and varied. The branches which represent these misbehaviors may include: pornography, masturbation, strip clubs, topless bars, sexting, chatting with other women, massage parlors, voyeurism, inappropriate touching, prostitutes, affairs, raking a woman over as he looks at her, checking other women out, magazines, emotional affairs, dating websites, flirting, fantasizing, online or inappropriate relationships or media. These misbehaviors create chemical surges in the brain which feed the lust addiction - ultimately numbing pain, fear and shame which often lie at the root of the tree.
All of these sexual misbehaviors can cause betrayal trauma to the spouse.
Packing
Your Wagon
This term references the
preparations an individual makes in case they may be forced out of their home.
It refers to preparing one's self for a hard journey ahead, on one's own,
without the help or support of a husband.
To be wise and prepared, one recognizes that there is a possibility that this may happen, and so both figurative and literal preparations are made. A suitcase (wagon) is prepared with everything that may be needed for her to survive and succeed in the future on her own, and it is available for her at any time of the day, at a moment's notice.
Mental and emotional preparations are made as well, as she prepares to move forward on her own if needed.
See Pioneer Woman Mode.
To be wise and prepared, one recognizes that there is a possibility that this may happen, and so both figurative and literal preparations are made. A suitcase (wagon) is prepared with everything that may be needed for her to survive and succeed in the future on her own, and it is available for her at any time of the day, at a moment's notice.
Mental and emotional preparations are made as well, as she prepares to move forward on her own if needed.
See Pioneer Woman Mode.
Pioneer
Woman Mode
Pioneer Woman mode embodies the
sacrifice that Mormon Utah Pioneer women made. These women were thrust from
their homes, often with their children and little or no provisions. They were
forced to walk, sometimes barefoot, pulling handcarts with their belongings,
responsible for providing for their needs and those of their children.
Pioneer Woman Mode refers to assessing the situation, and creating a safety plan for oneself, including planning and creating financial resources, preparing emotionally/mentally, obtaining education, preparing for provisions and lodging should need arise, or if a husband is no longer able or willing to support his wife and children.
This may also include going back to school, getting life insurance, creating savings, and even packing bags with a plan in place, should it ever be necessary for an individual to move forward without her spouse.
See Packing Your Wagon
Pioneer Woman Mode refers to assessing the situation, and creating a safety plan for oneself, including planning and creating financial resources, preparing emotionally/mentally, obtaining education, preparing for provisions and lodging should need arise, or if a husband is no longer able or willing to support his wife and children.
This may also include going back to school, getting life insurance, creating savings, and even packing bags with a plan in place, should it ever be necessary for an individual to move forward without her spouse.
See Packing Your Wagon
Satanic
Spin
Satan's sole purpose and focus is to
destroy God's children, including individuals, marriages and families. While
Satan primarily distracts and attacks men through temptation, one of his most
powerful tools of attack on women comes through mental torment.
A Satanic spin refers to the negative thought processes that begin with a thought, and then builds in ferocity.
Similar to a whirlpool, the individual becomes so stuck in the thought process that it becomes difficult to remove themselves from the cycle. When caught in this "spin" they aren't able to think clearly or logically, high emotions are involved, and one may act outside of or contrary to their value system, later asking themselves, "What was I thinking?"
A Satanic spin refers to the negative thought processes that begin with a thought, and then builds in ferocity.
Similar to a whirlpool, the individual becomes so stuck in the thought process that it becomes difficult to remove themselves from the cycle. When caught in this "spin" they aren't able to think clearly or logically, high emotions are involved, and one may act outside of or contrary to their value system, later asking themselves, "What was I thinking?"
Self
– Care
Self-care is the principle of taking
care of oneself everyday, based in the following four areas:
Physical - getting out of bed, exercising to move the brain from fight or flight mode and to capitalize on the healthy chemicals that come from exercise and relieve pain and stress.
Emotional - attending a support group, reaching out to others, connecting and building healthy relationships, learning to utilize boundaries, honoring emotions.
Spiritual - connecting with God each day through scripture, prayer, fasting, church meetings, temple, uplifting music, conference talks, church leaders, learning to rely on the arm of God rather than on the arm of flesh, and learning to surrender one's will to follow God's will with faith.
Mental - taking the time to gain education, reading books and articles, researching and learning about addiction, betrayal trauma, and healing.
Physical - getting out of bed, exercising to move the brain from fight or flight mode and to capitalize on the healthy chemicals that come from exercise and relieve pain and stress.
Emotional - attending a support group, reaching out to others, connecting and building healthy relationships, learning to utilize boundaries, honoring emotions.
Spiritual - connecting with God each day through scripture, prayer, fasting, church meetings, temple, uplifting music, conference talks, church leaders, learning to rely on the arm of God rather than on the arm of flesh, and learning to surrender one's will to follow God's will with faith.
Mental - taking the time to gain education, reading books and articles, researching and learning about addiction, betrayal trauma, and healing.
Sex
Fast
A sex fast is a tool used by couples
to regroup and reset their intimate relationship. When a sexual addiction is
present in a relationship and the addiction may have created a frequent drive
toward intimacy - regardless of connection, this tool can be used to help focus
on the non-intimate or physical parts of the relationship. Some experts
recommend a 90 - day sex fast, which allows any residual addictive chemicals in
the brain to disappear. The couple uses this time to learn to enjoy spending
time together in non-physical interactions.
Sexual
or Lust Addiction
Some addictions, such as drinking or
smoking are socially accepted. Sexual, or lust addictions however, carry an
inordinate amount of shame. Members of society and culture often begin to
squirm and feel uncomfortable when someone mentions sexual addiction or
pornography and masturbation. Lust addiction encompasses all sexual acting out
and is not specific to just pornography.
Slip
vs. Relapse
A slip is considered to be a less
serious occurrence than a relapse. Both events are negative, but they differ in
the degree of impact they will have on the life of the individual. Slips are
when people pick up an addictive behavior or substance after a period of
sobriety but stop again almost right away. They might have had one night where
they returned to their former behavior but realized right away that it was a
mistake. As soon as they sobered up they were able to return to life in
recovery. A slip is often a spur of the moment event and not something that the
individual has been planning.
A relapse is far more serious than a slip because it means that the individual has returned to their former addiction. The word relapse means to fall again. It often starts off as a slip, but then progresses from there. This relapse may last for days or it could be longer than this. It may mean that the current attempt to escape addiction has been completely abandoned. The individual might never have another opportunity to give up their addiction. The person who relapses can easily end up right back where they started if they don’t stop quickly. The fact that the individual has experienced life away from the addiction, may mean that addiction is more painful than ever.
A relapse is far more serious than a slip because it means that the individual has returned to their former addiction. The word relapse means to fall again. It often starts off as a slip, but then progresses from there. This relapse may last for days or it could be longer than this. It may mean that the current attempt to escape addiction has been completely abandoned. The individual might never have another opportunity to give up their addiction. The person who relapses can easily end up right back where they started if they don’t stop quickly. The fact that the individual has experienced life away from the addiction, may mean that addiction is more painful than ever.
Sobriety
vs. Recovery
There is an important
distinction between being "sober" and being in "recovery".
The differences are clear to those who have experienced both phases in their
healing process from addiction.
When an individual is "sober" from a lust addiction without attending a mutual-help program, therapy, medication, management, then they are in a sense "white knuckling" their sobriety (alcoholics in this state are referred to as being a "dry drunk"). These individuals may be staying away from their addiction, but they are not treating the underlying issues that either led to their indulging in the first place, or which developed as their addiction progressed.
Many "sober" addicts who are not in "recovery" will experience a transfer of addictions that could involve a new addiction to food, gaming, gambling, substances, shopping etc. because they have not found a healthy way to fill the void that the lust had satisfied. They may have stopped acting out, but their life may be exactly the same, leading them to struggle with emotional or mental health issues.
An individual who is in "recovery" is essentially in remission from their addiction. Their addiction is not cured, but is at bay in a way that allows them to be free of the cravings, mental obsession and they have treated their underlying issues (mental health, spiritual, physical) that led to or resulted from their indulgence. These individuals have found a way to fill the void once satisfied by lust through spiritual, emotional and/or behavioral solutions that they have learned through treatment, therapy, medication management and/or mutual help groups. They have made significant changes that have allowed them to find peace in removing lust from their life and to have emotional stability.
Recovery requires the brain and thought processes to be rewired - a process that usually takes at least 1 month, for each year that the addict engaged in mis-behaviors.
Social support, and accountability to an individual other than the spouse are key components for lasting, effective recovery.
When an individual is "sober" from a lust addiction without attending a mutual-help program, therapy, medication, management, then they are in a sense "white knuckling" their sobriety (alcoholics in this state are referred to as being a "dry drunk"). These individuals may be staying away from their addiction, but they are not treating the underlying issues that either led to their indulging in the first place, or which developed as their addiction progressed.
Many "sober" addicts who are not in "recovery" will experience a transfer of addictions that could involve a new addiction to food, gaming, gambling, substances, shopping etc. because they have not found a healthy way to fill the void that the lust had satisfied. They may have stopped acting out, but their life may be exactly the same, leading them to struggle with emotional or mental health issues.
An individual who is in "recovery" is essentially in remission from their addiction. Their addiction is not cured, but is at bay in a way that allows them to be free of the cravings, mental obsession and they have treated their underlying issues (mental health, spiritual, physical) that led to or resulted from their indulgence. These individuals have found a way to fill the void once satisfied by lust through spiritual, emotional and/or behavioral solutions that they have learned through treatment, therapy, medication management and/or mutual help groups. They have made significant changes that have allowed them to find peace in removing lust from their life and to have emotional stability.
Recovery requires the brain and thought processes to be rewired - a process that usually takes at least 1 month, for each year that the addict engaged in mis-behaviors.
Social support, and accountability to an individual other than the spouse are key components for lasting, effective recovery.
Spinning
For a woman experiencing
betrayal trauma, spinning may be caused by something that is said or done, or a
trigger which throws her into a fight, flight or freeze mode (limbic brain).
Due to a trigger, intense emotions, or crazy making, a woman may struggle to think and process or reconnect logically. Her mind and emotions "spin" around as she feels stuck and unable to "come back down" or remove herself from the spin.
It is difficult to come down to the pain, fear, and shame, which underlie the spinning.
Minimalizing, rationalizing, and justifying are characteristics of spinning. Our mind uses these tools to lessen pain. These are part of denial.
When spinning occurs, an effective tool of reconnection includes writing - which can move the emotions from the head to paper. This can facilitate getting to, and digging down through the fight/flight/freeze state, providing access to the pain, fear, or shame. Additionally, speaking, saying it out loud, and going through the facts of "this is what was said, this is what he told me" allows one to remove the emotions and make it fact based. After writing down the facts, one can step back and say, “If a friend told me these facts, what would it look like? Is it as big as it feels?” They can also bounce it off of a trusted individual, in order to separate the fact from the emotion. This will provide a much better idea of the scope of what one is dealing with. If it can be removed from the head, the individual can step out of the spin.
Due to a trigger, intense emotions, or crazy making, a woman may struggle to think and process or reconnect logically. Her mind and emotions "spin" around as she feels stuck and unable to "come back down" or remove herself from the spin.
It is difficult to come down to the pain, fear, and shame, which underlie the spinning.
Minimalizing, rationalizing, and justifying are characteristics of spinning. Our mind uses these tools to lessen pain. These are part of denial.
When spinning occurs, an effective tool of reconnection includes writing - which can move the emotions from the head to paper. This can facilitate getting to, and digging down through the fight/flight/freeze state, providing access to the pain, fear, or shame. Additionally, speaking, saying it out loud, and going through the facts of "this is what was said, this is what he told me" allows one to remove the emotions and make it fact based. After writing down the facts, one can step back and say, “If a friend told me these facts, what would it look like? Is it as big as it feels?” They can also bounce it off of a trusted individual, in order to separate the fact from the emotion. This will provide a much better idea of the scope of what one is dealing with. If it can be removed from the head, the individual can step out of the spin.
Because Satan loves to use guilt, or tell us that it isn't that bad, writing everything down that has happened with a child, spouse, sibling, or care giver, along with the associated emotions can aid in isolating truth vs. myth.
Additionally, utilizing the brain chemicals which emerge when fighting to protect a loved one (warrior or mama bear chemicals) can also be an effective tool for removing oneself from the spin. As an individual recognizes who their enemy truly is, and taps into their fight chemicals, they can step out of the spin as they move back into the pre-frontal cortex and logical thinking.
Strengthening
Her Tree Analogy
Imagine that there are two trees in
a yard, each one representing a spouse. If the wife spends all of her time
focused on what is happening with her husband's tree (is he growing? is there
new outgrowth? a new weed? is he getting enough water?) then her own tree will
be neglected. Because of her misplaced focus and neglect, her roots become
brittle and shrink, leaves wilt, fruit doesn't produce, insects and disease
invade and attack, and when gales come through, she may be broken and upended,
or she may become choked by weeds and slowly wither, shrivel and die.
Similarly, if one is solely focused on the growth, weeding, watering, and tending of another's physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional needs (policing, babysitting, mothering or monitoring a spouse), then they neglect their own needs and their own progress and growth is halted.
If the wife recognizes that the only thing she can control is her own tree, as she connects and reaches up to the skies, she finds sunlight and growth. She finds the air and water that she needs, and with this support and energy, she's able to tend to the weeds of self - doubt and despair, her roots grow deep, her trunk thickens, and she is able to withstand the gales and forces of nature which attack her.
When one recognizes that they cannot control another's progress or growth, and they focus on what is within their realm of influence, (their own growth and progress), they become strong and self - sufficient, better able to interact and connect with God and others. Caring for your tree analogy
Each of us has an emotional tree. If we are focused on helping our spouse "water and take care" of his tree (managing his recovery), then our own tree is neglected. As such, our tree's branches and roots begin to wither and we lose our stability and we stop growing. If however, regardless of how our spouse's recovery is going, if we focus on watering and taking care of our own emotional tree and needs each day, we will be able to survive and reap the fruits of emotional health, regardless of where our spouse is in his recovery process.
Similarly, if one is solely focused on the growth, weeding, watering, and tending of another's physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional needs (policing, babysitting, mothering or monitoring a spouse), then they neglect their own needs and their own progress and growth is halted.
If the wife recognizes that the only thing she can control is her own tree, as she connects and reaches up to the skies, she finds sunlight and growth. She finds the air and water that she needs, and with this support and energy, she's able to tend to the weeds of self - doubt and despair, her roots grow deep, her trunk thickens, and she is able to withstand the gales and forces of nature which attack her.
When one recognizes that they cannot control another's progress or growth, and they focus on what is within their realm of influence, (their own growth and progress), they become strong and self - sufficient, better able to interact and connect with God and others. Caring for your tree analogy
Each of us has an emotional tree. If we are focused on helping our spouse "water and take care" of his tree (managing his recovery), then our own tree is neglected. As such, our tree's branches and roots begin to wither and we lose our stability and we stop growing. If however, regardless of how our spouse's recovery is going, if we focus on watering and taking care of our own emotional tree and needs each day, we will be able to survive and reap the fruits of emotional health, regardless of where our spouse is in his recovery process.
Thrive
Document
A "thrive document" is a
list of conditions that a woman creates, delineating exactly what she needs, to
create a safe environment in which she is able to blossom and grow.
Throwing
Eggs
Throwing eggs is a technique
utilized by women who are seeking an outlet for their anger in healthy and
dignified manners. As such, a person can purchase a carton (or two or four) of
eggs, and find a place where she can throw them. Sometimes she will label the
eggs with the emotions that she is feeling or wants to express. As she throws
the eggs, she can scream out the words that are on the eggs, giving voice to
her emotions. If a country road isn't readily available, even a bathroom shower
wall may suffice.
Triggering
Betrayal trauma can cause PTSD like
symptoms. As such, an individual may hear, see, smell, taste, touch, something,
or even have a thought which "triggers" a flashback or flood of
memories. The ensuing emotions that can create a crippling effect both
emotionally, and sometimes even physically. Symptoms often include time slowing
down, tunnel vision, and an exact recall of minute details of a traumatic
experience.
Turtle
Analogy
Recovery can be compared to a turtle
walking down the street.
A turtle’s shell provides instant safety so that anytime the turtle encounters a threat, it is able to pull its head, arms, legs and tail into its shell, and there it can survive while it awaits safety.
Similarly, when faced with a threat, a woman in recovery can pull into her protective shell where she surrounds herself with her tools and skills. She also has soft pillows, warm blankets, pretty flowers, uplifting music, wonderful smells, helpful books and yummy treats to snack on - things that bring her comfort and that will help her to feel and create safety. Here, inside her shell, surrounded by the things that bring her comfort and help her to feel safe, she will focus on her self - care until it is safe to re-emerge or re-connect.
Sometimes however, before recognizing her own need for, or engaging in her own recovery, she may not realize that as a turtle, she actually has her own shell. As such, she may have solely relied upon her husband’s shell for protection, rather than her own, not realizing how much comfort and peace she could find within her shell.
In relying upon her husband’s shell, she may not realize that his shell isn’t strong enough for both of them. His self-destructive behaviors threaten his shell, and both of their safety. Some of these behaviors serve as a hammer with a spike, and blow by blow, they rain down upon him, weakening and eventually destroying his shell, leaving them both without protection.
As she begins her journey of recovery, she recognizes that she has her own shell, and that its reliability is solely dependent upon her! She reinforces her shell with layers of Worth, built through the practice of daily rituals, boundaries, self - care, and reliance on God. As she adds these layers, she gains confidence through trusting herself, the spirit, and her new tools. And when faced with threats of danger, she finds that she is able to rely upon her own shell for protection. Once the threat of unsafety blows over, she can pop back outside her shell and continue her forward journey.
As she re-emerges from her shell, she may be surprised to find that her progress didn’t go backwards, or back to the beginning, but rather, her journey just temporarily halted. When she is ready, she will pick herself up, shell and all, and continue with her forward progression.
A turtle’s shell provides instant safety so that anytime the turtle encounters a threat, it is able to pull its head, arms, legs and tail into its shell, and there it can survive while it awaits safety.
Similarly, when faced with a threat, a woman in recovery can pull into her protective shell where she surrounds herself with her tools and skills. She also has soft pillows, warm blankets, pretty flowers, uplifting music, wonderful smells, helpful books and yummy treats to snack on - things that bring her comfort and that will help her to feel and create safety. Here, inside her shell, surrounded by the things that bring her comfort and help her to feel safe, she will focus on her self - care until it is safe to re-emerge or re-connect.
Sometimes however, before recognizing her own need for, or engaging in her own recovery, she may not realize that as a turtle, she actually has her own shell. As such, she may have solely relied upon her husband’s shell for protection, rather than her own, not realizing how much comfort and peace she could find within her shell.
In relying upon her husband’s shell, she may not realize that his shell isn’t strong enough for both of them. His self-destructive behaviors threaten his shell, and both of their safety. Some of these behaviors serve as a hammer with a spike, and blow by blow, they rain down upon him, weakening and eventually destroying his shell, leaving them both without protection.
As she begins her journey of recovery, she recognizes that she has her own shell, and that its reliability is solely dependent upon her! She reinforces her shell with layers of Worth, built through the practice of daily rituals, boundaries, self - care, and reliance on God. As she adds these layers, she gains confidence through trusting herself, the spirit, and her new tools. And when faced with threats of danger, she finds that she is able to rely upon her own shell for protection. Once the threat of unsafety blows over, she can pop back outside her shell and continue her forward journey.
As she re-emerges from her shell, she may be surprised to find that her progress didn’t go backwards, or back to the beginning, but rather, her journey just temporarily halted. When she is ready, she will pick herself up, shell and all, and continue with her forward progression.
Weather
Check
Just as individuals step outside and
survey conditions, check the local weather/road reports, watch and prepare for
icy roads, dangerous areas, and even closures that will have to be navigated
around, women also do this as they take note of their husband's
"weather" and temperature.
A simple weather check can be done by laying a hand on a spouse's chest, and listening to his heart and his breathing. As a woman does this, she looks her husband straight in the face, in the eyes, and talks with him. She can tell by the dilation of his pupils, his breathing, the tenseness of his body, and from the light in his eyes whether he is in a good place and being forthright.
As she checks his weather, she listens to the spirit, as well as her own body (listening to your gut) to determine if he is in a 'safe place' for her to engage with him, and if he's there with her.
A simple weather check can be done by laying a hand on a spouse's chest, and listening to his heart and his breathing. As a woman does this, she looks her husband straight in the face, in the eyes, and talks with him. She can tell by the dilation of his pupils, his breathing, the tenseness of his body, and from the light in his eyes whether he is in a good place and being forthright.
As she checks his weather, she listens to the spirit, as well as her own body (listening to your gut) to determine if he is in a 'safe place' for her to engage with him, and if he's there with her.
White
Knuckling
In cases of sexual addiction, often
times, behaviors are viewed as "a problem I have every now and then, but
it isn't an addiction".
White knuckling refers to a length of time when an individual is not acting out on their addiction and so they are going through the motions of sobriety, however despite this, they are not in true recovery because they have not gone through the process and work of rewiring their brain and thinking processes to a point of real recovery.
Individuals may "white knuckle" for years - even decades without being in true recovery.
See sobriety vs. recovery
White knuckling refers to a length of time when an individual is not acting out on their addiction and so they are going through the motions of sobriety, however despite this, they are not in true recovery because they have not gone through the process and work of rewiring their brain and thinking processes to a point of real recovery.
Individuals may "white knuckle" for years - even decades without being in true recovery.
See sobriety vs. recovery