My story of hope starts when I was young. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I never received the help that I needed as a young child, so there has always been a deep aching pain of self loath, and guilt.
My husband and I met shortly after graduation, and fell madly in love. We dated for a year and he left for his mission. He came home and we were married 4 months later. After about a year of marriage the porn use began. It started with a few slips and continued to get worse over time, the amazing driven man I married started to become degrading, mean, and
I was blind to the manipulation. I saw me as the problem. I was not giving him enough sex, attention, or serving him enough. I became extremely co dependent.
He struggled with sexual addiction off and on for six years and I always knew when he was acting out. I felt like an object. I would call him out, get him to confess sometimes, and we would do ok until the cycle started over again. I felt no hope, and extremely trapped.
After having two babies I finally had had enough and the spirit told me something was wrong and I needed to protect myself. I sat him down, and told him I was ready to leave unless he was going to get help, and I was following through this time. I was really ready to leave, and to be honest wanted to because I was sure I was stuck in the porn driven relationship for the rest of my life, but I made a deal with Heavenly Father that I would try one last time.
We completed one phase of a local addiction program but it just felt as if something was missing. There was no connection with God. So we tried the LDS 12 step. My husband enjoyed it, but I could not get over the “what is wrong with me? Why am I not enough?” Everyone in the group was forgiving and moving forward, and I felt so out of place. At one point when it was my turn to share I asked, “How is this not about me? How can everyone sit here and believe that it is not about them?”
(I was so embarrassed. I never had the guts to go back.)
I was in a tailspin of pain, confusion and convinced that if I could just get my stuff together, lose thirty pounds of baby weight by starving myself my husband would never be temped by porn again. I felt like because I had experienced sexual abuse so many times in my life that it was not worth fighting, to me the evidence was all there that i was the problem. That I attracted and deserved all the sexual trauma in my life. The sexual abuse defined me. It became so hopeless I began to daydream about ending my life. Why was my husband moving forward but I was moving back?
I worked up the guts and I went to a therapist I happened to stumble upon online, who told me that she felt she could not give me the help to the extent I needed ( talk about feeling rejected) and referred me to an in house center for eating disorders. I did the whole interview, and they “highly recommended” I was admitted for in house therapy. After much prayer It just did not feel right. At the time I had no idea the Lord was leading me down my perfect path to the help I needed.
My bishop was nothing short of inspired and got me in to Mindy Lundgreen who has forever changed my life. She explained that if one person is changing in a relationship and working nothing can remain the same. I didn’t see it at the time, but as I have worked harder them I ever have before, I look and see how much change has happened, in the last year.
I started to attend worth group,. My heart ached for every woman in the room, I felt a bond to women I had never met before, because we knew the same kind of deep ache of sexual addiction. I felt like I was in a safe place, other women felt what I was feeling! It was such a breath of fresh air.
At the time I didn’t understand how much emotional abuse was going on in the relationship, but with help from worth and one on one counseling, I am working to find the power of being true to who I am as a daughter of my Heavenly Father who deserves respect, I am working on taking back my power, and working to respect myself. Sometimes it feels like I am a professional at pioneer women mode. I am practicing the tools of self care (which is the biggest thing that gives me the courage the fight everyday), and truly seeing Satan as real person who is the source of ALL self degrading thoughts. I can not control my husband’s actions, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a victim. I can look back at my journey and know that my Father in Heaven has MY perfect plan, and I KNOW he will continue to guild me and work miracles in my life.