Determining How and When to Disclose to Children - Stefanie Carnes


Determining How and When to Disclose to Children
Excerpts from “Mending a Shattered Heart, A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts” 
by Stefanie Carnes PhD. pp. 149-164.
Disclosure Considerations:
·       Age
·       Developmental Maturity of Child
·       Information to be shared
·       Child’s Stability levels
·       Family Dynamics
·       Children’s Personalities
·       If child is at risk, especially vulnerable
Ultimately, it is the addict’s responsibility to disclose to the children. It is a key part of recovery to take responsibility and be accountable for behaviors.
Remember: The Child’s Needs Supersede the Parent’s Needs
“Researchers found that in 67% of cases, the children already knew about the sexual acting out prior to the disclosure.
 If the parents continue to deny or hide the problem, it sends some powerful messages to the children, such as:
·       This is such a shameful secret I could never talk about it
·       We do not openly discuss difficult issues in this family
·       Sexual acting out is okay as long as it is kept secret in the family”  (p.152).
If children are already struggling or acting out, they may be struggling with information about the sexual acting out and the parents may be unaware that their children already have the information.



Tips for disclosing:
§  Partners strategize and plan together exactly what will be or will not be shared with the children.
§  Both parents are present and participate.
§  The addict speaks in generalities about the addictive behavior, not specific details.
§  Both parents articulate why this is important and of value to the child.
§  Focus on values that we violated and direct impact on the child.
o   Example: I was dishonest, and as a result Mommy was upset, or I was unavailable because of my addiction, and as a result I wasn’t able to attend your baseball games.
§  Anticipate questions the child may have and how you will respond.
§  Parents speak for themselves. The addict and partner each speak about their own behavior.
§  The child is not used as a confidant.
§  Addict can share current plan for recovery.
§  Parents display signs of recovery.
§  If possible, partner should take a supportive role and be genuine in terms of their feelings, but not take a victim role in front of the child. Neither parent takes the role of a victim.
§  Partner should not berate or shame the addict in front of the children.
§  The children’s feelings should be the top priority
§  Disclosure is a process, not a one-time event. Children may have additional questions.
§  Continue to do fun things together and keep working on the positive aspects of your relationship.
§  Maintain a sense of stability in the family.
§  If a separation occurs, give the child permission to still spend time with and love both parents.
§  Give the child reassurance and hope.
§  Share elements of recovery, such as special things you and your partner have learned in the recovery process, if this may help reassure the child.
§  Introduce the child to safe, strong recovering people. 
§  Be open to discussions about intimacy and healthy sexuality.
§  Set the tone so that children know they can discuss it with you as they need to know, or as you believe it is appropriate.
§  Occasionally, children will worry that they, too, are going to become a sex addict. This is especially true for teenage boys, who are experiencing a normal increase in hormones. An open dialogue normalizing these feelings can reduce anxiety.

Educating your children about sex addiction can be one of the most important lessons you can teach.
Empowering your children with information so that they don’t repeat the mistakes you’ve made can save them a lot of pain. If they do wander down the same path in the future, your recovery can serve as a source of hope for them, and give them power to stop the cycle of sex addiction in the family.


Disclosure Types
Forced – child learns from outside sources (others, media, etc.).
Delayed – parents wait to share until child is old enough to process the information.
Softened – developmentally appropriate that doesn’t include detailed information about the sexual behavior. Sometimes followed by a delayed disclosure.  
Examples: Daddy hurt Mommy, so he’s going to sleep in another room for a while.
Mommy and Daddy have been fighting because Daddy lied to Mommy. This is between Daddy and me. We love you and it has nothing to do with you.
Unbalanced – from partner rather than addict, may not include the addict. May cause child to choose sides.
Discovery – child discovers sexual actions out on own – finds pornography or learns of affair. Parents may not be aware the child knows.
Good reasons for disclosure include:
·       We want to teach direct, open, and honest communication in our family.
·       We don’t want to perpetuate family secrets.
·       We want our children to know us and understand our path to recovery and health. We want to share this part of ourselves with them.
·       We want to stop the transmission from generation to generation in our family by educating our children.


Considerations and Appropriate Ages for Disclosure:
·       No matter the child’s age, some open and honest communication may be appropriate – at developmentally appropriate levels.
·       Children have a limited capacity to understand abstract thinking around concepts such as “addiction” prior to age twelve.
·       Most children have a limited understanding of sexuality prior to mid-adolescence. So the concept of “sexual addiction” is confusing to most children.
·       Children are typically uncomfortable discussing sexuality, especially when it refers to their parents.
·       Parents of older children (minimum age of mid-adolescence) may consider a full disclosure – that would include that the parent is in recovery from sex addiction and general information about the acting out. If the child is likely to learn the information elsewhere, or already knows, then full disclosure at a younger age should be considered. 
·       When sharing information with adult children, reassure them that you are working on your recovery, so they don’t have to worry about having to care for the parent. Many addicts in recovery want to avoid talking to their adult children due to their shame, but the exercise in disclosure can be shame reducing for the parents, as most adult children can handle the information and still demonstrate love for the addict.
·       Recognize that children will often share information with one another. It is important to use the age of your youngest child when considering disclosure, keeping in mind that your children will likely share information.
o   Full Disclosure Examples:
§  I am a sex addict. I was dishonest and broke my marriage vows by hiring prostitutes. This has affected my relationship with you in the following ways…I am in recovery and this is how I’m planning on taking care of myself…
§  I am a sex addict. My cybersex/internet pornography use has gotten out of control and has impacted my ability to work and stay involved with you and the family. I have received treatment and have a plan around this. I would like to be open with you if you have any questions about this.

  

What Kids Want to Know By Age
The following questions are what children might ask depending on their age:
Preschool (ages 3-5):  (They have often been witness to fighting or have heard that you’re an addict and don’t know what is happening.)
§  Are you going to die or leave me?
§  Am I in trouble?
§  Do you love me?
Early Elementary (ages 5-6):
§  Is this my fault?
§  Will something bad happen?
§  Who are you now?
Upper Elementary (ages 9-13):
§  Am I normal?
§  Will I get this addiction because I have sexual feelings?
§  Am I going to end up an addict because you are?
§  What will happen to me if you get divorced?
Teen/Adult Years:
§  How could you do this to Mom? To the family?
§  How does this specifically relate to me?
§  How could you ruin my life?