Determining How and
When to Disclose to Children
Excerpts from “Mending a Shattered Heart, A Guide for
Partners of Sex Addicts”
by Stefanie Carnes PhD. pp. 149-164.
Disclosure Considerations:
·
Age
·
Developmental Maturity of Child
·
Information to be shared
·
Child’s Stability levels
·
Family Dynamics
·
Children’s Personalities
·
If child is at risk, especially vulnerable
Ultimately, it is the addict’s responsibility to disclose to
the children. It is a key part of recovery to take responsibility and be
accountable for behaviors.
Remember: The
Child’s Needs Supersede the Parent’s Needs
“Researchers found that in 67% of cases, the children
already knew about the sexual acting out prior to the disclosure.
If the parents
continue to deny or hide the problem, it sends some powerful messages to the
children, such as:
·
This is such a shameful secret I could never
talk about it
·
We do not openly discuss difficult issues in
this family
·
Sexual acting out is okay as long as it is kept
secret in the family” (p.152).
If children are already struggling or acting out, they may
be struggling with information about the sexual acting out and the parents may
be unaware that their children already have the information.
Tips for disclosing:
§
Partners strategize and plan together exactly
what will be or will not be shared with the children.
§
Both parents are present and participate.
§
The addict speaks in generalities about the
addictive behavior, not specific details.
§
Both parents articulate why this is important
and of value to the child.
§
Focus on values that we violated and direct
impact on the child.
o
Example: I
was dishonest, and as a result Mommy was upset, or I was unavailable because of
my addiction, and as a result I wasn’t able to attend your baseball games.
§
Anticipate questions the child may have and how
you will respond.
§
Parents speak for themselves. The addict and
partner each speak about their own behavior.
§
The child is not used as a confidant.
§
Addict can share current plan for recovery.
§
Parents display signs of recovery.
§
If possible, partner should take a supportive
role and be genuine in terms of their feelings, but not take a victim role in
front of the child. Neither parent takes the role of a victim.
§
Partner should not berate or shame the addict in
front of the children.
§
The children’s feelings should be the top
priority
§
Disclosure is a process, not a one-time event.
Children may have additional questions.
§
Continue to do fun things together and keep
working on the positive aspects of your relationship.
§
Maintain a sense of stability in the family.
§
If a separation occurs, give the child
permission to still spend time with and love both parents.
§
Give the child reassurance and hope.
§
Share elements of recovery, such as special
things you and your partner have learned in the recovery process, if this may
help reassure the child.
§
Introduce the child to safe, strong recovering
people.
§
Be open to discussions about intimacy and
healthy sexuality.
§
Set the tone so that children know they can
discuss it with you as they need to know, or as you believe it is appropriate.
§
Occasionally, children will worry that they,
too, are going to become a sex addict. This is especially true for teenage
boys, who are experiencing a normal increase in hormones. An open dialogue
normalizing these feelings can reduce anxiety.
Educating your children about sex addiction can be one of the most
important lessons you can teach.
Empowering your children with information so that they don’t repeat the
mistakes you’ve made can save them a lot of pain. If they do wander down the
same path in the future, your recovery can serve as a source of hope for them,
and give them power to stop the cycle of sex addiction in the family.
Disclosure
Types
Forced – child
learns from outside sources (others, media, etc.).
Delayed – parents
wait to share until child is old enough to process the information.
Softened –
developmentally appropriate that doesn’t include detailed information about the
sexual behavior. Sometimes followed by a delayed disclosure.
Examples:
Daddy hurt Mommy, so he’s going to sleep in another room for a while.
Mommy
and Daddy have been fighting because Daddy lied to Mommy. This is between Daddy
and me. We love you and it has nothing to do with you.
Unbalanced – from
partner rather than addict, may not include the addict. May cause child to
choose sides.
Discovery – child
discovers sexual actions out on own – finds pornography or learns of affair. Parents
may not be aware the child knows.
Good reasons for disclosure include:
·
We want to teach direct, open, and honest
communication in our family.
·
We don’t want to perpetuate family secrets.
·
We want our children to know us and understand
our path to recovery and health. We want to share this part of ourselves with
them.
·
We want to stop the transmission from generation
to generation in our family by educating our children.
Considerations and Appropriate Ages
for Disclosure:
·
No matter the child’s age, some open and honest
communication may be appropriate – at developmentally appropriate levels.
·
Children have a limited capacity to understand
abstract thinking around concepts such as “addiction” prior to age twelve.
·
Most children have a limited understanding of
sexuality prior to mid-adolescence. So the concept of “sexual addiction” is
confusing to most children.
·
Children are typically uncomfortable discussing
sexuality, especially when it refers to their parents.
·
Parents of older children (minimum age of
mid-adolescence) may consider a full disclosure – that would include that the
parent is in recovery from sex addiction and general information about the
acting out. If the child is likely to learn the information elsewhere, or
already knows, then full disclosure at a younger age should be considered.
·
When sharing information with adult children,
reassure them that you are working on your recovery, so they don’t have to
worry about having to care for the parent. Many addicts in recovery want to
avoid talking to their adult children due to their shame, but the exercise in
disclosure can be shame reducing for the parents, as most adult children can
handle the information and still demonstrate love for the addict.
·
Recognize that children will often share
information with one another. It is important to use the age of your youngest
child when considering disclosure, keeping in mind that your children will
likely share information.
o
Full Disclosure Examples:
§
I am a sex
addict. I was dishonest and broke my marriage vows by hiring prostitutes. This
has affected my relationship with you in the following ways…I am in recovery
and this is how I’m planning on taking care of myself…
§
I am a sex
addict. My cybersex/internet pornography use has gotten out of control and has
impacted my ability to work and stay involved with you and the family. I have
received treatment and have a plan around this. I would like to be open with
you if you have any questions about this.
What Kids Want to Know
By Age
The following questions are what children might ask
depending on their age:
Preschool (ages 3-5): (They have often been witness to fighting
or have heard that you’re an addict and don’t know what is happening.)
§
Are you going to die or leave me?
§
Am I in trouble?
§
Do you love me?
Early Elementary
(ages 5-6):
§
Is this my fault?
§
Will something bad happen?
§
Who are you now?
Upper Elementary
(ages 9-13):
§
Am I normal?
§
Will I get this addiction because I have sexual
feelings?
§
Am I going to end up an addict because you are?
§
What will happen to me if you get divorced?
Teen/Adult Years:
§
How could you do this to Mom? To the family?
§
How does this specifically relate to me?
§
How could you ruin my life?