Road Maps for Recover and Healing
Rhyll Croshaw (with permission)
Road Map 1: Is He Working
Recovery?
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I am not serious about changing if:
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I am serious about changing if:
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I lie, am evasive, or disclose information only when asked
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I am honest and open
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I was caught or reported by someone else, rather than
admitting to or confessing inappropriate behavior.
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I am open and willing to talk about what I do, think, and
feel.
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I pretend or try to convince others that there are no
problems, that they are taken care of, or are no big deal.
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I am trying to find out what led me to my addictions and
prevent addictive behavior from happening again.
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I am defensive, deny, minimize, rationalize, or blame
others in order to avoid dealing with my problems.
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I take full responsibility for making personal changes.
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I want to go back to the way things were before getting
caught, rather than improving and growing.
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I have made up my own rules fro staying out of compulsive
sexual behaviors and am following them.
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I refuse to attend 12 step meetings or get a sponsor and
continue to “punish” myself.
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I regularly attend 12 Step groups, report to my sponsor,
and accept God’s forgiveness in my life.
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I am not willing to put in the time or effort to fix
problems or work the 12-Steps
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I am working on the 12-Steps and my issues daily.
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I run away, hide, or won’t talk about my behaviors,
feelings, thoughts, and fantasies.
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I meet regularly with my ecclesiastical leader.
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I do not actively participate in counseling.
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I decide to see a counselor on my own rather than being
forced to or told to by someone else.
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I use other addictions – such as alcohol or drugs – to
avoid dealing with my real problems.
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I go to professional counseling sessions, work on issues
underlying my behavior, and do all homework given.
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I act as if I am the victim and seek sympathy, or try to
get others to take sides.
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I am working more on what I need to change rather than on
what I think my spouse needs to change.
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I want my spouse to be okay with my addictions and I feel
cheated if I can’t continue in them.
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I give my spouse the space and closeness she needs.
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I criticize and blame others more than I take personal
responsibility.
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I show that I understand the hurt which I have caused my
spouse and loved ones.
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I am angry, moody, resentful, critical, or out of control,
and only think about my own needs.
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I work to earn others’ trust and forgiveness.
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I try to make a quick-fix deal and apologize-just to have
the issue dropped.
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I work to solve problems that were caused by my addiction.
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I am manipulative and use fear, guilt, or threats to get
what I want.
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I speak and act with respect.
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I make impulsive decisions and have impulsive behaviors.
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I am dependable in taking care of my family, occupation,
and religious responsibilities.
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I make promises rather than changes.
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I am setting specific, measurable goals and achieving
them.
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I am not living standards in accordance with my religious
beliefs.
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I am living the standards of my religious beliefs.
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I continue to put myself in situations where I’ll be
tempted.
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I have made significant lifestyle changes.
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Road Map 2: Am I Working Recovery?
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I am probably not making needed changes if:
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I am making effective changes if:
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I feel that in some way my spouse’s addiction is my fault
and blame myself for his behavior.
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I recognize that pornography addiction is a serious
problem and requires hard work to find recovery. However, I do not blame
myself for my spouse’s addiction.
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I pretend there isn’t a problem, it is already taken care
of, or it isn’t a big deal.
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I require honesty and transparency from my spouse and ask
him directly when something is bothering me.
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I believe whatever my spouse tells me, even if my gut
tells me something is wrong.
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I take responsibility for making positive changes in my
life based on the feelings of my heart and the instincts of my gut.
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I refuse to take responsibility for changing what I can
and taking care of myself.
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I find help and support from others in dealing with the
betrayal and trauma I am experiencing and its impact on me.
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I try to deal with my emotions on my own.
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I openly share what I think, feel, and am experiencing
with appropriate trusted people.
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I keep the addiction a secret and fail to seek outside
help.
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I meet regularly with my ecclesiastical leader.
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I think that only my spouse needs counseling-not me; or, I
fail to do homework and skip sessions.
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I work with a therapist who is trained in sexual
addiction-whether or not my spouse wants me to.
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I make excuses for not attending 12-Step meetings for
spouses, or quit going once I feel okay again.
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I actively attend 12-Step meetings for spouses and work on
my own recovery daily.
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I rationalize that I don’t really need any guidance.
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I find a sponsor and work with her regularly.
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I neglect or minimize my needs and wants.
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I practice self-care daily.
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I bury my emotions, or utilize other addictions such as
food or drugs to avoid them.
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I allow myself to feel natural emotions, hurt, and anger,
and then surrender them to God.
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I persist in believing that God doesn’t care about me.
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I seek to feel God’s love for me.
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I deny, minimize, rationalize, or blame others to avoid
making changes or letting go of resentment.
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I work towards forgiving and letting go of the resentment
for the hurt which my spouse has caused.
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I criticize or blame my spouse-rather than set boundaries
or make changes to protect myself.
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I set and follow boundaries to protect myself from my
spouse’s addictive behavior and from obsessing about his addiction.
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I make a quick-fix deal: If my spouse says he is sorry, I
will just forget it and won’t talk about it anymore.
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I refuse to accept or enable addict behavior; I look for
positive changes – not just promises.
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I obsess about what my spouse needs to do, rather than
work on my own recovery.
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I focus on the changes that I can make, rather than on
what I think my spouse needs to change.
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I choose how to act based on fear of my spouses reaction,
or I responds explosively.
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I appropriately share my needs and feelings with the
addict instead of worrying about how he might respond.
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I set my level of affection based on what my spouse wants
rather than on what I need.
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I ask for the space, closeness, or help that I need.
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I go along with addictive behavior, or tell myself that it
is okay-or that it is not really that bad.
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I work towards extending trust if my spouse is showing
behavior that is deserving of trust.
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I used demands, fear, guilt, manipulation, or threats to
get what I want or need.
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I take care of my personal and family needs.
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I do it all myself-even if I’m overwhelmed, and constantly
demand perfection from myself.
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I set small measurable for myself and work for progress –
not perfection.
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I do not put in the time and effort to deal with the
problem, or fail to set realistic expectations.
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I accept that healing from the effects of my spouse’s
addiction is a long process that will take some time and effort.
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Road Map 3: Recovery for an Individual
Goal: Restore
self-respect and wholeness
1.
Decide to fully Commit to Actions of Recovery
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Recognize the reality of the pornography/sexual
addiction.
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Progress will occur when a decision is made to fully
commit to actions of recovery.
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Seek God’s help; He will help you.
2.
Come Out of Hiding
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Complete, honest disclosure to spouse, clergy leader,
and qualified therapist is necessary.
3.
Set Safe Boundaries and Self Care
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Set safe boundaries (for example, no private use of
computer or television).
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Daily physical and spiritual care: exercise, healthy
diet, adequate rest, positive affirmations.
4.
Gain knowledge
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Learn about sexual addiction.
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Learn what recovery requires and the attributes of
genuine recovery.
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Short-term sobriety (abstinence) does not indicate
recovery.
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Full recovery is a life-time process.
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Learn how to support your spouse’s healing.
5.
Clergy involvement
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Frequent accountability visits with an informed
ecclesiastical leader
6.
Qualified Counseling
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Genuine commitment to on-going counseling from a
qualified therapist (typical minimum is 18 months).
7.
Join 12-Step Fellowship for Sexual Addiction Recovery
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Join a 12-Step Fellowship for sexual addiction, find a
sponsor, and work all 12 Steps. Commit
to long-term-perhaps lifetime—involvement.
8.
Recovery is a Spiritual Process
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Willingly acknowledge that alone, a person is powerless
over their addiction.
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Come to believe that a Power greater than oneself can
restore wholeness to life.
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We must turn our will and life over to that Power.
Road Map 4: Healing for the Afflicted Spouse
Goal: Restore
serenity and wholeness
- Recognize
Your Own Need for Healing
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Recognize your trauma as the afflicted spouse on an
individual addicted to pornography.
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Seek God’s help; He will help you.
- Talk
with Others
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Interact with an ecclesiastical leader.
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Communicate with a qualified therapist.
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Develop a support system.
- Join
a 12-Step Fellowship
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Find a sponsor
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Work all 12 Steps diligently.
- Self
Care
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Slow down.
Allow time for healing before making life-changing decisions (1 year
minimum). If you are at risk, decisions
may need to be made more quickly.
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Prayerfully set boundaries defining unacceptable
behavior in order to protect your emotional, physical, and spiritual
well-being.
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Daily physical and spiritual care: exercise, healthy
diet, adequate rest, spiritually centering activities.
- Education
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Fully recognize that you are not the cause of your
spouse’s addiction, and that you cannot “fix” or control your spouse.
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Learn more about the nature of pornography/sexual
addiction and how it impacts you.
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Learn what is required to experience healing as the
spouse of one addicted.
- Support
Spouse’s Recovery
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Make very clear to your spouse that you will support
his/her genuine commitment tot recovery, but will not enable continued
addictive behaviors.
- Healing
is a Spiritual Process
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Willingly acknowledge that you are powerless over your
spouse’s actions; you can influence, but you cannot control.
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Believe that a Power greater than you can restore you
to wholeness; turn your life over to that power.
Road Map 5: Saving the Marriage
Goal: Restore
connection and wholeness
1.
Recognize That the Marriage Relationship Is Affected
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Trust has been violated. The marriage may be intact, but it is not whole. Even if the marriage relationship is
recoverable, it will not happen immediately.
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Genuine recovery of a marriage relationship takes
time. There is no universal rule
regarding how long it may take. Follow
your instincts.
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If you desire to save your marriage, seek out a
qualified counselor trained in sexual addiction.
2.
Working on Recovery Allows Marriage to Heal
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A healthy, whole marriage cannot coexist with sexually
addictive behavior. If the addiction
continues, the marriage will never be whole; the addiction will always win.
3.
Work on Individual Recovery and Healing
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Recovery of the marriage relationship follows continued
individual recoveries, and healing from the trauma of addiction.
4.
Reach Out to Each Other
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Notice ways in which your spouse is trying to reach out
for connection. Respond to such efforts
with honesty.
5.
Build True Intimacy
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In recovery, a one-dimensional physical relationship is
replaced with an intimate social, emotional, spiritual, and sexual bonding.
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Spend time together to develop a holistic relationship
(walking, gardening, cooking etc.)
6.
Nurture Others
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Children need extra love and attention. They may also be suffering and are in need
of healing.
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Needed personal renewal will be found in small acts of
service.