23 Myths
About Pornography and Sexual Addiction
1. MYTH: The
more we talk about pornography, the more we will create curiosity.
TRUTH: Addiction thrives in secrecy and shame. The more we talk about
pornography, the more we take away the shame. Talking about pornography often
is the number one way to fight back against it.
2. MYTH: Pornography is not infidelity.
TRUTH: It may not be physical adultery or fornication, but it is
infidelity/adultery of the heart. The heart that covenanted to be only ours
when we married, has not been faithful - all of our hopes and dreams have just
crashed to the floor. The wife will experience a grieving process for
everything she has lost - the world upon which she planned her hopes, dreams
and future.
3. MYTH: The wife’s role is to help her
husband.
TRUTH: The wife needs her own healing, and the quickest way for the wife
to heal is to feel validated and heard. Both need to rely on the Lord and
find strength. When each is stronger, they can be a support to each other. ONLY the atonement has power to fix or
save anyone. It is unfair to put helping him into her already overwhelmed and
broken hands. She needs her own saving. It
is unfair to put this responsibility on the shoulders of anyone but the addict.
There are many resources that can help the addict (bishops, mentors, sponsors,
and counselors).
4. MYTH: If only the wife was ______, or did ________her husband wouldn’t act out with addiction.
TRUTH: His addiction is completely unrelated to her. Many women try to change themselves thinking, “If I was thinner, smarter, prettier etc. he wouldn’t act out.” In reality, his addiction has nothing to do with her. In counseling women, the focus should be on their relationship with their Savior, not on their relationship with their husband.
4. MYTH: If only the wife was ______, or did ________her husband wouldn’t act out with addiction.
TRUTH: His addiction is completely unrelated to her. Many women try to change themselves thinking, “If I was thinner, smarter, prettier etc. he wouldn’t act out.” In reality, his addiction has nothing to do with her. In counseling women, the focus should be on their relationship with their Savior, not on their relationship with their husband.
5. MYTH: As long as her husband is doing fine, the wife doesn't need any help.
TRUTH: The wife needs help regardless of whether or not her husband is in recovery.
Oh, how she needs recovery! The foundation of all of her hopes for eternity have been shattered. Her life/marriage has been exposed as a lie. She may begin to have a faith crisis. Additionally, many times she has used coping mechanisms to live with an addict without knowing it. The more information she can learn, the more empowered she will become to protect her family. Three relationships need to heal. The man. The woman. The marriage.
Oh, how she needs recovery! The foundation of all of her hopes for eternity have been shattered. Her life/marriage has been exposed as a lie. She may begin to have a faith crisis. Additionally, many times she has used coping mechanisms to live with an addict without knowing it. The more information she can learn, the more empowered she will become to protect her family. Three relationships need to heal. The man. The woman. The marriage.
6. MYTH: Sexual addictions decrease with age.
TRUTH: Once an addiction has been established, those desires will
escalate no matter the age. Men and women can battle sexual addiction all the
way until they are 100 and beyond.
7. MYTH: When the man comes in to confess, he
discloses everything.
TRUTH: Addicts have spent
many years hiding their addiction and trying to forget their sexual
misbehaviors. A more common occurrence is what we call the “dribble effect.”
Information tends to dribble out over time. Sometimes it is over a few days,
sometimes a few weeks. A good rule of thumb is for the first few visits to ask
the addict if they have thought of anything else they need to confess to.
8. MYTH: If the husband stops acting out, the
wife will get better.
TRUTH: The wife has her
own healing that must take place. Often time men get better and the wife still
struggles. She needs the atonement just as much as the husband does.
9. MYTH: The wife cannot share her husband’s
story because it is not hers to share.
TRUTH: The wife has her
own story to share. While she should be careful and prayerful who she reaches
out to, she has her own story that needs heard and validated.
10. MYTH: Having more sex will help him not
act out.
TRUTH: No matter how much
sex he has, this desire to act out will not be quenched. He could have sex
multiple times a day and still struggle with the desire to look at
pornography. His addiction can also be transferred to a “need” for sex
multiple times a day – turning her into a tool to feed his addiction.
11. MYTH: Separation doesn't help repair
marriage.
TRUTH: Sometimes, the best
thing a couple can do is separate while both find healing. Boundaries teach the
addict that this behavior is no longer accepted and the space allows him to
find his Savior instead of relying on his spouse. The space allows the spouse
who was victimized space to heal and to create a space where the Spirit can
dwell and guide her. If both are working to heal the marriage, separation can help
them both to heal quicker.
12. MYTH: A wife should be counseled to not tell anyone about the infidelity, and to forgive him and move on – especially if her spouse has gone through the repentance process and been forgiven. TRUTH: Telling her to forgive before she is ready will cause more damage and re-traumatization. She needs time and space to heal. The Savior is the only one who can tell her when it is time. She wants to heal and forgive.
12. MYTH: A wife should be counseled to not tell anyone about the infidelity, and to forgive him and move on – especially if her spouse has gone through the repentance process and been forgiven. TRUTH: Telling her to forgive before she is ready will cause more damage and re-traumatization. She needs time and space to heal. The Savior is the only one who can tell her when it is time. She wants to heal and forgive.
13. MYTH:
If an addict uses will power, and reads their scriptures and prays more, they
will be able to overcome their addiction on their own.
TRUTH: To recover, an addict needs more than just increased
scripture reading and prayers, they need group support and accountability to
someone outside the marriage for long term recovery. Praying and reading
scriptures are a very important part of recovery. Recovery also entails working
a program like the 12-steps, dispelling shame, learning about your emotional
triggers, accountability, and outside support (i.e. bishop, mentor, sponsor,
counselor)
14. MYTH: Church
leadership never struggles with pornography
TRUTH: Anyone can struggle
with pornography. It is no respecter of persons.
15. MYTH: If an addict really loved his
wife/God/family/etc, they wouldn’t act out
TRUTH: Addiction numbs the
feelings in an individual. Though they may think they feel love, they struggle
to feel any emotion. Often they are not capable of true love until they have
had over 90 days of sobriety.
16. MYTH: Forgiveness equals full restoration
of trust and affection.
TRUTH: Trust and
forgiveness are separate. You can forgive someone without trusting them. Trust
cannot be restored, only rebuilt. That takes many small experiences over a long
period of time. It cannot be forced or rushed. Trust is earned back with sobriety, recovery, and
transparency, little by little, line upon line.
17. MYTH: Sobriety equals recovery.
TRUTH: Sobriety is not
recovery. Sobriety is simply not acting out. Recovery digs to the root of the
problem. It rewires the brain and helps the addict heal many other unhealthy
behaviors that protected the addiction.
18. MYTH: He's only addicted to pornography.
TRUTH: He's addicted to
lust and there are a myriad of ways to get a lust "hit" without ever
looking at pictures or watching a video.
19. MYTH: He's been sober for a year, so his
wife should be fine.
TRUTH: Often the wife’s
world is so globally shattered, it can take a long time to be "fine."
She has her own healing journey and recovery work. Often the spouses of addicts
will have developed unhealthy behaviors to justify/cope with the cognitive
dissonance through the years. This can be compounded if there are childhood
abuse/trauma issues underneath.
20. MYTH: Women don’t need boundaries. They
need to just give unconditional love.
TRUTH: Boundaries, done
right, are to keep her safe from his erratic and often emotionally and sexually
(in some cases physically) abusive behaviors. To give love without condition or
boundaries often enables the
addiction to continue.
21. MYTH: Addiction is only self-destructive.
TRUTH: Addiction is
destructive to all in its wake -spouse, children, parents, and friends. We need
to be sensitive to all of the victims.
22. MYTH: Everyone looks happy and fine. They
must be doing okay.
TRUTH: Everyone handles trauma
differently. The only way you will know what they need is to interview them
individually and sincerely ask. Stopping someone in the hall is not a safe way
for them to open up.
23. MYTH: If the husband and
wife’s marriage is struggling, get them into marriage therapy.
TRUTH: The first year
after disclosure of sexual misbehaviors should be spent with each individual
healing. Doing couples therapy too soon often is re-traumatizing to the wife,
and causes unnecessary pain to both partners.