Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce
Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is
designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your
relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these
behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your
partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the
betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with
dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear
stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list is titled “The 180″ and it won’t take you long
to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree
rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack
of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite
capable of making it on your own.
I remember when I first heard about the concept of the
180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so
codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing
to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I
was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem
cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s
about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about
enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting
sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if
you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.
So here, it is without further ado:
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason,
chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good
points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him
around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or
initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from
the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for
reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates
together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love
You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular
moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you
are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12.Be cheerful, strong,
outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting
on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies,
find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your
spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of
asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to
believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)”
are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of
your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or
even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for
anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will
notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you
are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make
yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic
individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have
value.
19. All questions about
the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about
it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to
lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No
show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you
can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly
enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they
tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact,
refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn
to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep
your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the
provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying
anything.
25. Take care of you.
Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are
not in turmoil.
26.Be strong, confident and
learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do
this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more
than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate
or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally
desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself
when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what
you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will
speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.
Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember
that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they
can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter
how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from
your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of
action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your
dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental,
critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is
due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a
person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much
more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are
NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst
their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can
always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
from beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com