My husband confessed to
me that he had a pornography problem about a year into our marriage, after a
temple recommend interview with our bishop. Pornography was something he'd
turned to as a pre-teen when his parents got divorced, and he'd figured that once
he got married he'd be able to easily stop looking at it. Not so.
I was newly pregnant
with our first baby and the thought of leaving him or getting divorced
terrified me more than the prospect of dealing with my husband's addiction.
Now, looking back, I had no idea how difficult of a challenge this would
become, but I'm so glad I didn't call it quits and that we stuck together.
We spent the next
decade battling the addiction together, with periods of marginal success broken
by heartbreaking defeats. We had more children. Life went on. And life was
good, except for this one thing. I felt more and more helpless with each
setback as I watched my husband struggle. Eventually, I came to realize that no
amount of planning, supporting, brainstorming, or even nagging on my part did
anything to help. Really all I could do was be there and assure him that he was
still of great worth both to me and to our Heavenly Father. I always believed
that my husband was a choice spirit and that he could beat this with the Lord's
help, but neither of us could figure out how to obtain that change of heart
spoken of in the scriptures that we both so deeply desired.
I realized, at length,
that since I had no control over my husband and that I couldn't change for him,
that I had to focus on myself. I started going to the church's Addiction
Recovery Program and went through the twelve steps for myself. During this
process, which was painful and long, I was able to let go of the resentment I
felt toward my husband, his parents (whom I blamed for not catching the
addiction when it started), and Heavenly Father (for sending me strong
spiritual confirmation that I should marry this man who would hurt me so
deeply).
Once I was able to
forgive, the healing process started in my heart. The walls I'd built up to
protect myself came down and, while it was incredibly painful to let myself
feel emotion again, along with the pain came an outpouring of love. I came to
understand the atonement in a way I never had before, as I experienced, for
myself, what it felt like to allow the Savior to carry my burden and be a balm
for my sorrows.
I have been okay for
several years now. I have been happy for several years now. My husband is still
fighting and I am still standing by his side, almost two decades later. For our
situation, that is where I feel I need to be. We have both experienced a
renewed sense of hope since finding the Men of Moroni program. I can see that
it's giving my husband a set of tools that he hasn't had access to before which
are making a huge difference in his fight against Satan. Satan wants to take my
husband down because of his great potential, but I refuse to let the devil win.
He will not have me, he will not have my husband, and he will not have my
children.
If there is anything
good that has come of our struggles, it is that my husband is extra-sensitive
to the temptations our two teenage boys are now facing. These boys have access
to a staggeringly greater number of evils than my husband had growing up in the
80's and, because of what my husband has been through, he knows how to
recognize when our boys are struggling. He knows how to talk to them in a way
they will understand and that will help. If going through this pain has taught
us something that will save our kids and their future spouses from experiencing
the same pain, I would take it all on again.
There is hope. There is
healing. The Savior is real and he truly does know how to succor His people. It
will take time, but He can ease your pain. He can and He will.
--T.R.