Boundaries and Bill of Rights – Excerpt From What Can I Do
About Me?, By Rhyll Croshaw
The First Step to creating and holding boundaries is
recognizing who we are and what we need. Jennifer Schneider wrote, “Realistic
boundaries cannot be established until one’s self-esteem is high enough to
place one’s own needs above the need to please the spouse”... “Establishing
boundaries differs from issuing ultimatums in an attempt to control the other
person’s behavior. ..(Afflicted spouses) determine which behaviors are
unacceptable to them, and what they will do if those behaviors occur. Knowing
the consequences, the addict can then choose what he/she wishes to do.”
I appreciate that Dr. Schneider reaffirms that the addict
can choose to abide by the boundaries or not. We as wives cannot make that
choice for them.
One way for us to identify our needs is by writing a
personal Bill of Rights.
It can reveal where your boundaries are, or areas in your
life where you may need to set some.
I smiled when I read my friend’s Bill of Rights. One read, “I
have the right to have my hair the way I want, even if it’s not in style.” This
is a physical boundary. Another read, “I have the right to be happy,” an
emotional boundary. And “I have the right to have a messy house,” another
physical boundary.
As I continued to read, I felt the deep soul-searching that
had gone into her Bill of Rights. Her experience of coming to herself, and to
God, has changed her life. Some of her other commitments read:
I have the right to expect my husband to honor his covenants
and commitments to me. (sexual/emotional boundary)
I have the right to walk away from, turn off, get rid of, or
change any media that I feel is inappropriate in my home - or makes me afraid
or uncomfortable-regardless of the situation that I am in and the way other
people around me feel. (spiritual/physical/social boundary)
I have the right to forgive my husband entirely.
(social/mental/spiritual boundary)
My friend had always retained these rights, but somewhere
along the way she got confused and thought that it was better to always put
other’s opinions ahead of what was right for her. Writing her Bill of Rights
dispelled the confusion.
Another right we have is to expect and request a thorough
accounting of our husband’s sexual behavior outside of our marriage. A full
disclosure consisting of when such behaviors started, the frequency, types of
behaviors and actions, and the last time these was any acting out, will be
critical. This request often will be met with resistance, and a qualified sexual
addiction therapist may be able to help here. We have found that without such
total honesty, an addict cannot build a solid foundation from which to start recovery.
A word of caution: as wives, we do not need to hear the gory details of exactly
what he said and did (body size, color of hair, etc), because that my likely
trigger our trauma, but we do need more information than men are usually
willing to disclose at first.
It is crucial to set a boundary to keep promises to yourself
and to God - regardless of what your husband’s behavior might be. And to hold
boundaries, we must maintain a strong sense of our own values, and listen to
our own intuition or gut feeling.