Boundaries and Bill of Rights - Excerpt From What Can I Do About Me? By Rhyll Croshaw


Boundaries and Bill of Rights – Excerpt From What Can I Do About Me?, By Rhyll Croshaw

The First Step to creating and holding boundaries is recognizing who we are and what we need. Jennifer Schneider wrote, “Realistic boundaries cannot be established until one’s self-esteem is high enough to place one’s own needs above the need to please the spouse”... “Establishing boundaries differs from issuing ultimatums in an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. ..(Afflicted spouses) determine which behaviors are unacceptable to them, and what they will do if those behaviors occur. Knowing the consequences, the addict can then choose what he/she wishes to do.”

I appreciate that Dr. Schneider reaffirms that the addict can choose to abide by the boundaries or not. We as wives cannot make that choice for them.

One way for us to identify our needs is by writing a personal Bill of Rights.

It can reveal where your boundaries are, or areas in your life where you may need to set some.

I smiled when I read my friend’s Bill of Rights. One read, “I have the right to have my hair the way I want, even if it’s not in style.” This is a physical boundary. Another read, “I have the right to be happy,” an emotional boundary. And “I have the right to have a messy house,” another physical boundary.

As I continued to read, I felt the deep soul-searching that had gone into her Bill of Rights. Her experience of coming to herself, and to God, has changed her life. Some of her other commitments read:

I have the right to expect my husband to honor his covenants and commitments to me. (sexual/emotional boundary)

I have the right to walk away from, turn off, get rid of, or change any media that I feel is inappropriate in my home - or makes me afraid or uncomfortable-regardless of the situation that I am in and the way other people around me feel. (spiritual/physical/social boundary)

I have the right to forgive my husband entirely. (social/mental/spiritual boundary)

My friend had always retained these rights, but somewhere along the way she got confused and thought that it was better to always put other’s opinions ahead of what was right for her. Writing her Bill of Rights dispelled the confusion.

Another right we have is to expect and request a thorough accounting of our husband’s sexual behavior outside of our marriage. A full disclosure consisting of when such behaviors started, the frequency, types of behaviors and actions, and the last time these was any acting out, will be critical. This request often will be met with resistance, and a qualified sexual addiction therapist may be able to help here. We have found that without such total honesty, an addict cannot build a solid foundation from which to start recovery. A word of caution: as wives, we do not need to hear the gory details of exactly what he said and did (body size, color of hair, etc), because that my likely trigger our trauma, but we do need more information than men are usually willing to disclose at first.

It is crucial to set a boundary to keep promises to yourself and to God - regardless of what your husband’s behavior might be. And to hold boundaries, we must maintain a strong sense of our own values, and listen to our own intuition or gut feeling.