Q&A with Maurice Harker 2/29/16
Q: Cannot
separate my husband from the addiction. Looking for tools to help me separate,
everything seems calculated – as if his mind is always thinking of ways to lie
and manipulate. With any input from him, even “I was at the store”…I let my
mind run away and trauma takes over. How do I stay away from this?
A: FYI – we
incorporate LDS principles as well as scientific reasoning. Men usually
compartmentalize and their minds don’t always run that fast.
I’m guessing that what you go through, at some point in day
you are probably trying to clear head, and not panic. Sometimes he may be near
you, or you may start having thoughts of anxiety etc. and when you talk to him,
he may respond in ways that make it worse – is this correct?
You are here, as well as the other women, because you have
experienced trauma – and substantial things have happened and caused you pain.
While your brain may have previously been able to go through this, once you go
through something like this, due to betrayal trauma, now your animal or
survival brain recognizes that you’ve been hammered. Your brain is on high
alert and watches for something that might be dangerous that may be happening.
Attended a seminar where the speaker shared the following
analogy: Two men were walking down a jungle path. One man sensed a tiger and
ran away really fast, even though it wasn’t really there. The other was walking
along and there really was a tiger there, but he didn’t sense it or run away,
so he was eaten and died. Which one passed his genes onto the next generation?
The one who sensed something and ran.
For thousands of years, those who are scared beyond
necessity are those who survive.
Your brain has secondary panic when worried about being
scared unnecessarily. It’s okay to be signaled by your animal brain when you
are not sure if a tiger is there or not. When this happens though, you will
need to go through a secondary evaluation to determine whether the alarm was
valid.
Once an alarm goes off, it is good to gather your senses,
and gather accurate information rather than running every time. So, first slow down and gather information.
As a religious concept, we recognize that there’s a 7,000
year old genius who likes to tempt men and mess up their marriages, along with
pride impatience. Studying satanic attacks on women is a whole other
topic.
Maurice’s spouse assists him in studying women, and she
recognized and shared with him that a pattern in the scriptures regarding what
angels say when they minister to women. Angels say, “Fear Not” to women. Men have an Achilles heel often of
overconfidence, which may push them into pride. Women feel alertness,
sensitivity – but if you push too hard it can turn into fear.
When trying to work through this, your brain will either go
to fear or apathy – as a survival response.
The fear response is that it is going to make things worse and hurt her
again. So check to see if being
tormented by satan with fear.
Satan attacks men and women differently. With men, the primary satanic attack is
temptation, with women, it is torment.
What should be a reliable alarm system in your head gets stuck with
thoughts that make things worse.
Pretend you are reading a story about pioneer woman back in
the day. If God gave her a message that
something dangerous was coming, would He instigate a panic in the woman, or
what would she feel? “God hath not
given us the spirit of fear”… Maurice’s translation of this, is to have
gratitude for the alertness, but recognize your capability that “I can handle
it.”
The easiest way to discern whether it is coming from God as
warning, or from Satan to torment, is that it usually comes as message from
animal brain such as, “Husband could be doing something right now to ruin your
life.” If God has a validation and
second witness, He will say, “that’s probably true, but you don’t need to
panic, we can do something about it.” If it is from Satan you’ll just
experience more panic, so the temptation to gather more information from your
husband probably will do more damage. Many women have husbands who may
misrepresent, or be vague and not provide accurate information.
Q: Clarifies
– I want to not feel shame that I’m not trusting:
A: So glad you
are working with Worth group, lots of times shame comes from your husband not
liking the thought that you are being tormented and he doesn’t understand.
Allow your animal brain to alert you, then look for a second
witness from God – have confidence to take action in constructive way; for
example, Nephi not knowing which action to take beforehand, or the women in
Nauvoo knowing it was time to pack their wagons…they don’t want to do, but can
and will do.
Always in shock of how much/hard things you ladies can
handle.
Q: Trying to
better understand the origin of porn addiction. Most addicts seem to have early
exposure – magazines, internet… is it just exposure that made them continue?
Was it possibly curiosity? Was it emotional, or all of the above?
A: First thing
to emphasize with addiction is that human bodies’ have Achilles heels which
make them susceptible to addiction. Some have a tendency for alcohol, gambling
etc. and there’s not necessarily a genetic connection, so there has to be a
perfect storm. It starts from curiosity most likely.
If there’s been any sexual abuse, we have to figure out,
‘are they being reactive to the abuse, or actually have an addiction?’ We have
to be very careful – if they’ve experienced sexual abuse, the work is cut out
for clinicians. Curiosity takes place,
just like some teens taste alcohol and never go back, the same can happen with
porn. But if a person has susceptibility, then the curiosity phase usually
hooks them, and then the feedback positive loop, or reinforcement sensation in
brain creates craving and the cycle continues. It primarily produces a chemical
reaction that we are unprepared for.
We have become good at training youth about harms of alcohol
etc, but haven’t done much in the past regarding porn. Luckily now “Fight the New Drug” and other
groups are starting to teach the elements of what happens chemically in the
brain.
Q: Follow up: So
if it is exposure, it sounds like it goes from there?
A: You don’t
have to see a naked woman to wonder what they would look like. Even a teenage
boy walking through the halls of his junior high will wonder this. It doesn’t have to be actual exposure to
porn.
Q: Follow up:
Often as men talk about their addictions, they say that it began at 6 or 7
years old when friend showed them a magazine.
A: Exposure
is not enough to explain the origin of it. The more emotionally unstable a
person is during time of exposure, the more susceptible the person is. When experiencing emotional instability
– if exposed, the brain recognizes this
as a solution as it removed the emotional pain. A pattern is then created as
the more they reach for porn (the addiction) in time of pain, the more
ingrained it becomes.
Q: Follow up: So
then do all men need one on one therapy?
A: As a
therapist, I recommend therapy for every man on planet. J Therapy began 150 years ago, however sexual
addiction has been around since beginning of time, and years ago, therapists
didn’t exist. Yes a man can figure it out without a therapist, but it usually
takes longer.
Q: Follow up: So
some men have affairs, but aren’t addicted to porn. If he is unfaithful, what is the difference between that and a
man who has affair after porn addiction?
A: Porn does
not have to be a precursor to affairs. A man not maintaining psychological
discipline may go through torment, which reminds him of his wife’s
inadequacies.
Maurice previously had a client who asked, “Why don’t I ever
fight with secretaries, but I fight with my wife all of the time?”
The answer is that Satan doesn’t mess up communication with
the secretary, because he doesn’t care about that relationship - his purpose is
to mess up the relationship with the wife because he is trying to destroy
families.
An affair could just be due to a guy being psychologically
lazy, or it may just be a phase of another addiction.
Many porn users have a strange rule in their heads, that
they can do whatever they want virtually, as long as it is not with a real
person.
Q: I have felt
that confirmation re: when a warning comes from God, and that it comes with
empowerment. I felt this a month ago,
that I needed to begin packing my wagon, and it came with a feeling of faith
and courage. However, because I got sad about it, I started to question it.
I started seriously considering separation and told my
husband about it. He’s in training right now, and we are moving in 3 weeks.
While he was there, he didn’t do anything sexual, but he had girl he was
texting daily. He made a comment about how I was ‘working on my recovery and
not very supportive’, and he called her ‘the bright spot in his world.’ With this, something in me snapped and
completely changed – I reached my limit of what I was willing to put up with
and accept as behavior.
As part of my recovery is now to see myself as God sees and
loves me, I recognize that this isn’t right.
I feel confirmation from God, and am learning from Eve and her role and
gaining courage from her choice, and learning about temple covenants and what
blessings come from this.
I’m having the hardest time talking to my priesthood
leadership and finding support from them.
My stake president asked me yesterday if “Don’t you have faith that
atonement can change your husband too?” “Is he the only one who needs to
change?”
I wanted to respond that have been in therapy for 6 months
with 3 therapists and groups. But I’ve
kept my covenants. Why should I be on trial?
How do I manage my expectation for support when they are the
ones who are supposed to spiritually counsel me?
A: I wish you
weren’t the first person to ask me these questions.
Starting with perspective.
Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings movie? In it, Sam Gamgee watches
Frodo, and his weird relationship with Golum. Sam just wants to get rid of
Golum, however Frodo recognizes that Golum is who he can potentially become,
therefore, if gives up hope for Golum, he gives up hope for himself.
When a man sees another man acting like Golum, he may become
over protective of the messed up man, such as Frodo becomes overprotective of
Golum. This is not an excuse, but an
explanation of the tendency.
As a therapist, I often defect to the protection of
women. Of course I don’t want a man to
be left by his wife, and lose his family, but I have to withdraw and make sure
that I advocate correctly. One of the
ways to do this is to shift the perspective and help a leader to recognize,
“Dude you are asking for things that you would never ask your daughter to
tolerate.”
A couple of things you can do when sitting in a
bishop/leader’s office:
Sadly, remember that they aren’t trained, and that they are
probably better dentists or plumbers than therapists, and that you can’t always
rely on them to get it right, this is relying on the arm of flesh.
If you are feeling stable, you can say, “Bishop I can really
tell that I’m on track here, and that I’m okay. (If you are too sad, angry,
frustrated, or overwhelmed you will be overemotional and this won’t be
effective.) However, if you can do so
in edifying way, thank the bishop for his initial thoughts and feelings. Then
ask, “Bishop can you please walk me through how you would handle a situation if
your daughter were going through this?”
If a man is over
protecting himself or another man Maurice likes to invite him, “let’s go for a
walk…to a time when he has daughter who calls him crying…what should I do, my
husband has done this, this, and this…he is bonding with other woman…and she is
being described as only bright spot in his life…what would you counsel her to
do?”
Men do have a place in their brains where they could
recognize from this perspective.
In this scenario, if an adult daughter called Maurice, his
first response would be to make sure she is safe. He wouldn’t say, “sweetie
just stay in front of that big truck and see if it runs over you again.” No, he would invite her to come home and
analyze the situation for a few days.
Bishops are usually undereducated on how traumatizing this
is for women. In our fantasy world,
Bishops would use US to know how to work with other women. Unfortunately, you may be the guinea pig for
that bishop. Unfortunately in this
case, it looks like you may have a clumsy and uneducated man.
Q: Clarifies:
Bishop is supportive. Stake President, doesn’t respond to text, or
communication.
A: He probably
doesn’t know how to help.
Q: I still live
in fantasy world where I believe that leaders are inspired to say exactly what
I need to hear, and that they are in that position for a reason. It is taking a
lot to discern that they are still men, I used to have them on a pedestal, but
am learning to shift that solely to God’s power.
A: While I am a
man who has dedicated 20 years learning to be helpful to you, I advise that
after conversations with him, you should always run things past God to get
final clarifications on how to apply Maurice’s counsels to your life. Jennifer as a woman can be very valuable to
your healing.
Maurice promises to valiantly work to be best man you ever
talk to about this stuff, but please leave him a little room for inaccuracies.
Q: Asking if men
experience betrayal trauma same way women do. When we try to explain, will they
ever get it?
A: No. The
second answer is yes, they can get it and it is a very painful process to go
through. Sadly most men are not as
durable. In few cases where woman stepped out, most men don’t recover well from
it, and marriage has usually ended, due to man’s inability to hope, try again,
put themselves in front of the bus again. Women typically seem to be more
durable with this.
On the other side of the equation – as I began entering this
profession, I was ambitious to understand women, and early in my work, I prayed
for something that was bigger than I expected – I prayed in all sincerity to
know what it feels like to be a traumatized women. I was not prepared for the
answer.
One way that we determine how messed up a man is, is by his lack of empathetic response.
One way that we determine how messed up a man is, is by his lack of empathetic response.
Exercise the muscle of empathy or compassion; get him
talking about how it feels to be a woman in this situation. Occasionally in a
marriage repair workshop, I give the assignment to go home and pray for what it
feels like to be their wife in this situation. I see a flicker of fear and
empathy, as this is very scary, and reminds me of a scripture from NT – they
would “wish millstone around were around their neck, and they were cast into
the sea.”
In another period of naiveté and arrogance, while dating, I
asked God to show all weaknesses so that I could fix all of my issues, and not
make women cry as much. God answered, “I won’t do that, you can’t handle
it.” It comes line upon line, precept
upon precept. Men will go through this,
and they may not be in a good enough state to be a good husband. Ladies, if you
are holding your breath until this happens, you may drown. It doesn’t mean you
have to divorce now, but if you come around corner hoping he is marriage
material and he wasn’t yesterday, he probably isn’t going to be today…
If he is dangerous and scary, you may need to consider
divorce. While it is frustrating etc.
while working through his issues, you may have to do an in home
separation.
Q: Maurice
meets with husband. Husband is really working hard to work recovery, making big
strides. I try to praise him, but feel like we are still having major
struggles, and feel super unsettled with his flashes and intrusive thoughts he
continues to struggle with. I understand that temptations happen as a part of
life. Feel like the fact that these
thoughts are so common, every day, a lot, and he minimizes this as part of
being man. Because of the lies and
half-truths that have come from Dday, I just want and need to see full
honestly. At end of the day, we sit down and talk about the day – life, and
everything else. He doesn’t love that I ask this every night, but he’s open and
honest about flashes and intrusive thoughts. Concerned if are they just flashes
and intrusive thoughts – does he have right tools? Sometimes feels more than
just a flash, and that it is maybe more?
A: Expresses
compassion and understanding for how scary and hard it is to think you have a
secure marriage, then after Dday, you are not sure what reality is.
Appreciate awareness that men get attacked. Recently spoke together about attacks.
Right now we are living in a time where we have the luxury
of not being afraid of being killed on a daily basis. However back in the
Lamanite and Nephite days – I empathize with the women back then. Imagine the
women were working by stream with the husband plowing in field. Then they are attacked out of the
blue…Really?? Or when he is out hunting for food to take care of his family.
To be a wife when a husband is being randomly, or in battles
physically attacked –trying to empathize with this, or as in when a car comes
down the road to tell you your husband is dead. For women, it is hard to empathize with this, as you don’t walk
around in man’s head you don’t get to see the complexity of the attacks.
It isn’t fun to be attacked. Not enjoyable to have such
distractions – especially if you have decent value system. I was working with guy who is pretty mixed
up, so I walked through his addiction with him, as he began recognizing that
while misbehaving, it wasn’t actually that enjoyable. It isn’t something you
want to tell everyone about, or journal about etc. and while at the exact
moment that the brain thought it was enjoying it, it was actually horrible.
Backing up – something you will struggle with is your
husband’s inability to describe what he is dealing with accurately. I met him
maybe 4-5 months ago. It is difficult for a man to identify what they are
experiencing, and then to explain it.
Don’t mis-interpret this. Men
aren’t known for ability to understand their own psychology.
What your husband is leaving out is the chemical reaction to
a satanic flash.
If your husband goes to a car wash, and comes back in 15
minutes, in a woman’s mind she may think, “he just drove 30 miles had a sexual
encounter, and it will ruin our marriage!” Even if she tells herself that
that’s impossible, it takes time for those fear chemicals to calm back down.
Some guys think “she likes to be afraid and hammer me with
her fear.”
Ladies, do any of you enjoy this? I assume no. When man gets
hit with any chemical experience, it isn’t enjoyable, it is very disruptive,
and women can tell when they have experienced it. Your sensitivity system that
can tell you something…Maurice’s wife can say, “did you talk to your daughter?
Can’t you tell when she is having an elevated emotional experience right
now?”
You may not be able to tell…
Your husband isn’t giving you information, because he
doesn’t know how and doesn’t know how to do it in a way that won’t be scary to
you.
They may not be sufficiently self-aware to give you accurate
or all of the information that you need.
Encourage him to go write it down, and come back after it is written
down.
Women may have a satanic attack that he’ll distort it when
writing it down. If he is trying, he
will use the time to write down more accurately and more thoroughly, and the
woman won’t be interrupting him. Women in panic often tend to interrupt – which
can mess up the process by interruption.
If it hurts his feelings he’s probably going to end up doing
it wrong.
For example – how many different ways can a guy say “I saw a
woman in exercise clothing”…observed, glanced, noticed, saw…all of those words
are triggering for wife. He has to find correct words to convey, and he can
then immediately address that he turned his attention immediately etc. Thus
giving his wife a chance to not react.
Advice, if you sense something scary has happened, ask him
to write about it.
Then check his eyes, his chest, and ask, “is this the most
accurate account you can tell?”
Some husbands are new, and may not be thorough or accurate
as they don’t have skills to know how to do this.
Finally to clarify, when asking a man to itemize his
battles, there’s a bit of a double bind. We want you to be fully informed and
have transparency, but if he fights his battle correctly – he may notice
something, or it is something in public or on a computer. If he follows his
training completely, he will recognize it within seconds, and override it –
this should not take more than 10 seconds, and it should come to a point where
he almost doesn’t even remember or recognize the satanic attacks, but focuses
on the memories of the things they focused their minds on.
A skilled warrior can still identify and clarify attacks –
they may lose memory of it, and it may
take sometime to pull it back up into recall.
If you want it to be more enjoyable, ask him about the passion projects,
what he did well for the day, his providing, presiding, and protecting – what
he did for his family today.
Q: As I pray, I
hope for a man who can have flashes, but who isn’t preoccupied by them. When I
feel discouraged, what I’m fighting for is that hope that my husband and man
will consistently come home successfully.
A: Let him brag
about how well he did. Ask how many minutes he was in his battle zone. Attacked
10 times, but only took 20 minutes total – rest of time spent on following
topics. A man can be down to 2 battles a day, but if he is on vacation, or
going to the beach, he may need full body armor, or even if he is going to the
mall. It can be very difficult, especially as many women dress for
attention. When a spouse or child is
there, he can shift attention to them – and a man’s brain can be trained to
spend 95% of brain on passion projects or other things.
Q: When Jodi was
subbing for Jennifer, she said that men don’t go into immediate recovery, that
there will always be slips and fall backs. No man ever says, I’ve done this enough,
and I’m ready to be done. My husband is there, and I’m wondering if I should be
waiting for something. Is it really possible?
A: There are a
couple of approaches – a purely scientific approach, vs. spiritual. Scientifically, chances are close to 0 in
likelihood for this change.
Spiritually, we believe in miracles and it is possible for someone to
turn on a dime.
Based on statistical observations, the tendency is more
scientific than miraculous. When we train women, we train them to prepare for the
worst and hope for the best. We get ourselves into a state of mind, not giving
permission for man to misbehave. Be ye therefore perfect, doesn’t say you have
to be perfect, even the concept of the atonement is that God doesn’t expect us
to become perfect. A person’s
development doesn’t usually hurt us as much, but in this case, the longer it
takes him to work through, the harder it is for the woman.
Counsel to withdraw to a safe distance. So…if you anticipate he will slip in 5-7
days it doesn’t give permission, but you are at least prepared if it does
happen.
Q: At the point
where I’m not going to stand for it anymore.
A: We don’t
expect a woman to stand on the freeway to be hit by truck over and over. When working with a woman, our job is to be
in tune with her, as she is in tune with God.
God will say, I know it isn’t reasonable, but I want you to try it
again. Meanwhile, we are thinking…this is crazy! and scientifically
unreasonable!
Our job is to help empower you – if your revelation is to run
away, we help you.
A certain participant here had a response from God to stay,
and I thought that it was ridiculous to stay. But a year later, it has paid
off. This is because she had the spiritual revelation - contrary to my
advice.
If you have inspiration to run like crazy, then do so, and
we will help you.
Q: Last time I
was told to stay, and he got involved with another woman again. However, my
relationship with God is that now, my husband is in recovery and he wasn’t
before. His actions and words are different, he’s not asking for anything. The
answer is that my prayers have been answered, and that this is the man we’ve
been waiting for. Not sure.
A: These are
legitimate fears and anxieties. Even
when you are going back into a risky situation; He knows it will take
time. Sometimes a woman is inspired to
leave a marriage, and sometimes she is inspired to work on marriage. It works best when you trust your revelations.
Input from above mentioned participant in example:
If God is going to put you in situation which seemed
hopeless, He will have a plan for you and for this, and will always prepare a
way.. you have to be willing to do the work too – which is effort and time and
genuine patience to heal. It’s never going to be enough just to be patient, so
you have to decide if you are willing to put in the work. If you are, God will
prepare the way.
A: Analogy
of being hit by a truck. The driver has to do work to fix their lives. But the
woman is the one who was hit, and she didn’t deserve it, and it isn’t fair, but
healing takes work and time. In many cases where the husband gets his head put
back on straight, the wife still needs even up to 18 months for that healing.
Jennifer and Jodi work very hard to help you in this process. The Worth Group is bursting at the seams
right now. Men of Moroni group and the Womens marriage repair workshop help
fund the worth group keeping it free.
Q: In the last
marriage repair workshop, we talked about disclosure, but my husband took it to
heart, and is now providing 100% disclosure, even down to why my socks don’t
work. I don’t need to know everything going through brain. He will say he has
something, then will write it down and blurt it out. He asked the empathy questions. But also tells me why my socks
aren’t a good choice.
A: One of
things you can do is to have him write it out, and then you highlight the parts
that matter to you, so that he can then see the pattern of what is important to
you. At this point, you don’t want to mess with his confidence, so let him over
report for a couple of months.
Q: Video gaming.
We’ve been working on own boundaries. My husband has been in recovery for about
9 months, but he is not quite there yet. I still struggle with how much time
spends on video games. I feel like it is his girlfriend – he looks at his
screen more than me. I’m trying to step out of the mother/police role. What can
I do for me to feel safe without helicoptering?
A: Weather
checks… bringing video games into marriage.
When Lamanites attack, you know, the annoying ones with
pointy sticks rather than the ones with arrows, it is important for the woman
to understand and ask, “do I need to go gather wood, water, etc. while you are
doing whatever is important to you (video games)?”
“Sure I told you it scares me, and makes me worried, and so
just in case the Lamanites actually do kill you, I’m going to need a really big
wall in place for my own protection.
The adorable wife that you want me to be is going to be behind
cinderblock wall and the drawbridge will be up until I can determine that you
aren’t a Lamanite in disguise. I need
to get an idea as a wife…(this is a Promised land conversation)…I need to know
if we are both going to Ut. or if you are going to detour to San Diego?
Therefore, when we reach our ideal eternal marriage
destination, will you please describe what your ideal video gaming looks like?
I need to know so that I can plan accordingly.”
(Some men have said 6 hours. Some young men’s criteria for a
wife is one that supports his gaming.)
A likely response may be “I haven’t thought about it,” then
your response can be, “On this day and this time, please let me know what your
ideal lifestyle looks like with video games.”
With this, you may recognize that this isn’t the same ideal, and you are
not heading to the same location.
If he says 1 hr every other day, but isn’t living up to his
standards, then you can ask if he is pleased with his progress to his goal. If
he responds yes… I shaved off 37 seconds today, I’m very proud of my self, then
you can go back to the goal and ask, “How soon are you planning to get to that
point (goal)?”
When working with young men, Maurice asks, “How much do you
plan to do when x old?” Walk through each year. They are always surprised that
they didn’t know the goal was to do less.
They have no goal…just to video game until they are done. A problem with video games is the
non-decision. So we ask them to make a
decision. Asks “during first year of
marriage, how much time do you plan to video game instead of spending time with
your wife” Maurice explains every hour of video games= 2 hours they don’t have
with their wife.
Q: Feel that
husband is trying to work recovery, he’s making effort, doing stuff and it
feels like he’s trying to do more than just checking off boxes. How do I moderate my apprehension/questions
re: his box checking?
I see him getting excited. A friend at church started
sharing something difficult that she is going through with me and I got home
late - 10 min after his meeting started. I texted with him, “I’m– sorry I made
you late for your meeting.” He was fine
with it. So, his responses to things are getting really good. He’s coming along, reading and has lots of
insight where he wants to share. I want to continue supporting that, but have
underlying expectations of a little more.
A: This ties
into the animal brain and fears that it will all fall apart, and it will go
back to how it was. Women can be
tricked into thinking that if she acts less happy and less satisfied, he will
be more motivated. This is trying to
take place of Holy Ghost – who should be motivating him.
If asking questions out of curiosity then ask. If asking as
mother, who needs to follow through, don’t ask it. Are you intervening to make
sure something happens?
Q: How do I not
intervene then?
A: Is this the
type of man who has arrived and won’t continue to improve? Definitely your husband wants to figure it
out. However, he also has questions
about lots of other things all going on at the same time (income etc.). Ask “are you still motivated to improve
things for me and the family?” “Do you
feel like you are making progress?” Ask
more general questions.
It can be valuable with a weather check to ask a guy how
he’s doing with his personal development.
If he isn’t talking about it, he might not be working on it. You can
enjoy the things he is working on. Your
internal compass would love to have him finish perfecting what he needs to do
to keep your family and you safe.
Women have celestial orientation which drives them to
celestialize everything as fast as possible.
Good to have this pull, but not to let it make you unhappy while he is
still trying hard, and still trying ways to improve. Don’t mother.
When asking questions about another person’s development, do
it because it is exciting to watch. Ask
out of curiosity. “What is the process that your brain goes through when a
naked girl walks by?”… “Walk me through what you do when that happens.”
“What’s that like for a guy to be worried about money?” Ask “What’s that like,” “How do you overcome
it” questions.
When you are in a secondary stage of repair this can be a
very intimate way to learn about each other’s psychological process. This improves marriage over all.
Ladies, if you still have questions, please bring them up
with Jennifer and Jodi. I can’t tell you how beneficial they are in this
process. They can feel your pain, and are able to guide you and not get lost in
it.
A reminder that we are providing marriage repair workshops,
and if you aren’t able to attend them at the time, we are recording them, and
you can obtain copies for the same price.
Proceeds from this go towards running the Worth Group and keeping it
free.