Worth Q&A with Maurice Harker April 25, 2016
Q: As watching H with recovery, I’m not seeing him take his
man power goals seriously. Relatively new to LCS programs. What should I as a
wife do about this? Recognize that it is not my place to please or baby sit
him.
A: Women usually start marriages hoping to be wife and not a
mother to their husbands. Most start out marriages just fine with confidence in
the man, giving him the benefit of doubt. Somewhere along the way, if the man
ends up in these programs, he isn’t using his
skills, and woman may begin to help him follow through on something – it
starts out subtly and small. Women slowly become helpful, and he becomes
irritated – this becomes an increasing cycle. If you want change to last a long
time, then you need to have as little influence on his changes as you can.
Don’t push, encourage, or remind. It places women in place of
powerlessness. The Pioneer Woman model
refers to woman’s ability to keep her self safe, provided, presided without a
man, similar to a pioneer woman crossing the plains without a man. No one wants
to do this, however women, you CAN do this.
As a clinician, I don’t mind a phone call or message from a
wife regarding concerns she is having about a man’s follow through. If a
therapist is involved, then you may want to send it to them. If he is early in
the system, it may take 4-6 weeks for him to begin meeting his goals. We hope
to get accurate results from men and young men, but we don’t rely on them as we
know that truth is often mis-represented by addicts.
Express that you are aware of him not meeting goals, then
retreat to a safe distance until you see that he is doing so.
Q: Question regarding LDS covenants – If marriage covenants
are broken through infidelity, either virtually or physically, when or how are
they restored or healed? I understand that when a man is excommunicated or
dis-fellowshipped, once he comes back, his covenants can be restored. However,
if he hasn’t been excommunicated or disfellowshipped, yet if he has been
unfaithful, when or how are the covenants healed?
A: For new participants, we work to stay in line with
ecclesiastical teachings. I do not know. Here’s my basic philosophy and
understanding.
When working with a woman, I’ve found that women take covenants and promises very seriously, and they will continue to work or function as if the covenant is still in place. If church leaders come to decision formally of the breaking of covenants, then if it has been broken, then you aren’t under covenant to keep them.
When working with a woman, I’ve found that women take covenants and promises very seriously, and they will continue to work or function as if the covenant is still in place. If church leaders come to decision formally of the breaking of covenants, then if it has been broken, then you aren’t under covenant to keep them.
Some women have intimated that they felt that their covenant
was more with God, and that she then needed to have release from God from
calling or obligation. I don’t know what your God will expect of you. As I’ve
studied what God is okay putting women through, ie. watching children walk
across plains, or seeing children brutalized by attacks – these are things that
I believe are above and beyond of what may be expected, however for some
reason, God puts women through these experiences.
If you approach
marriage as a calling from God, then only God can release you from it. I have
seen women released from marriage for something very small, and others due to
severe misbehaviors by man. Jennifer, Maurice, & Jody hope that they might
have answers for you, and even if they don’t, they will stand by side all the
way to hell and back to help you survive.
The LDS Church may have a question hotline that you can use
– Ecclesiastical leaders can be beneficial to answer these questions as well.
Q: Wondering if there’s insight in how to honor a husband’s
priesthood when it feels they aren’t worthy, when you have a hunch that they
don’t have the spirit with them, and you need blessings from them.
A: Sadly I am aware that sometimes men have participated in
priesthood ordinances unworthily. It is my understanding that God will do his
work not withstanding the integrity of the person acting in his name. Blessings
are based on the faith of the receiver. As a mother, you are entitled to choose
what is best for a child. If a man is in recovery he will try to comprehend
where you are vs. getting verbally or emotionally abusive.
The definition of emotional abuse is “anytime someone adds
emotional pressure with aim to have you crumble or get out of the way.”
The opposite of this is seeking to understand, comprehend,
or nurture.
Recovery is when a guy is trying to do this, even though he
is not good at it.
In your personal time, you’ll have to question God, and find
out how hard you will need to persist in requesting outside priesthood support.
You may get inspiration to still support someone who is
flawed. Some of the others here have seen me very flawed, but because of the
hard work I try to do, they have chosen to let me be a leader. Sometimes it is
scary to let a mortal man be in charge of something, but hopefully it will
improve as he works to get it right. Let’s hope those prayers are strong enough
to get it through it.
Q: Where is a man at, when he is rubbernecking to see a
woman, and walking behind everyone so that he can check out others?
A: There’s a whole spectrum of possible issues we are
dealing with here. If he used to be worse, then it can be progress, but if it
is worse than it was before, I am not sure where he is.
Speaking as to how it affects woman: Don’t ignore it.
If you notice it, stop what you are doing, walk up to him and say, “it looks like you are enjoying the view, I’m not sure what is going through your head.” Don’t be specific, but acknowledge that you recognize that something is going on. Rather than have a conversation about “what is going on?” do not argue about what he is or isn’t doing. Say, “Whatever is going on right now, is off, and I can tell something is going on.” Keep it vague. A guy who is working recovery may need a min or two, but then will make adjustments, and if he is further along in recovery, he may talk about what was going on and what he is going to do. If he was not, he may be a butthead, and you may have to do something drastic to preserve sanity, you may have to step away and detach – possibly even taking separate cars home.
If you notice it, stop what you are doing, walk up to him and say, “it looks like you are enjoying the view, I’m not sure what is going through your head.” Don’t be specific, but acknowledge that you recognize that something is going on. Rather than have a conversation about “what is going on?” do not argue about what he is or isn’t doing. Say, “Whatever is going on right now, is off, and I can tell something is going on.” Keep it vague. A guy who is working recovery may need a min or two, but then will make adjustments, and if he is further along in recovery, he may talk about what was going on and what he is going to do. If he was not, he may be a butthead, and you may have to do something drastic to preserve sanity, you may have to step away and detach – possibly even taking separate cars home.
Q: My husband, on a positive note, asked if I wanted to do
check ins – which was nice. However, in his check in, he said that lately he
has struggled more, in wanting to check out girls. At what point is that a
problem? He has voiced that he notices himself doing it. I have no idea how to react, what to do or
say about this. I can say “Yeah, that’s frustrating, I don’t want you to check
out girls.”
A: Because confidence and sense of competence are a big deal
to men, if you can, give them an opportunity to brag. If man feels he is progressing in an area, both for your safety
and his increased confidence, turn your attention to asking how he was able to
fight it and how he got through very fast. You could say, “I don’t know how it
is to be a guy…talk me through how you successfully get through such an
experience.” If his technique is
horrible it may scare you. He may say ‘the first time this week it took me 20
seconds to get my head screwed back on, then I caught myself and got my head on
straight and was thinking about this and I realized how much I loved you and
started thinking about my passion project.
The next time, it took 15 seconds, and the next time it took 10
seconds.
In our programs, we ask a second question of “how did you
conquer?”
Men want to brag, and win at least once a week. Let him brag
about it.
The experience of noticing other females in the prime of
their reproductive stage, is really annoying, especially when you are working
hard to serve your family and get things done, this is actually obnoxious and
disturbing such as, “man! I’m trying to think about this book I’m trying to
finish, and I want to get back to that.”
Q: How do I get him to attend the Men of Moroni program? I
know he would learn so much, and it would help with his stuff?
A: When talking to a man – a good response is, “I know you
are smart, and brilliant and going to figure this out.” An example of this is a caveman trying to
knock two rocks together with hopes of atomic bomb. Wives like to relax next to
their husbands. If you attend mom, I’d like to relax.
Q: Husband has been going to Men Of Moroni program for a
year. He completed it, then had a couple of slips, and went back to
un-graduated. We’ve had a few problems because I feel he is fighting dragon in
underwear and not suiting up for battle. I don’t feel he is trying to connect
with me. I’m putting all effort into marriage. Been reading about 180, and so
my attitude is ‘I guess if you want me, I guess you will come and get me.’ What
can I do to get him to wake up? He is out there just trying to find himself.
A: Anytime notebook says “Get him to do something” puts you
in mother position, not wife position. If you want a relationship with long
term psychological stability, then you have to wait until he initiates the
positive improvements. (Yes, I’m seeing facial horror from the ladies here!), I
grieve with you over how painful this is.
We often use the Pioneer Woman Mode analogy.
As the pioneers are crossing the plains, they are in
Nebraska, and the man decides that he wants to sit on rock rather than pull the
wagon.
Women, let him sit on rock and you
start pulling. He will start to experience a version of loneliness, recognizing
that you started pulling and left him there.
Once you start moving in that direction he has 3 choices.
1.Stay until snow comes, and he freezes to death and dies. Some men do this and
it is stupid, but it is sometimes chosen. 2. Throw word knives at you, he then
goes back to St. Louis, lives a life of sin and blames it all on you. 3. This
is the most common: If he sits there, and has even the slightest inclination to
call up God – even if it is microscopic as he is sitting here angry because God
left him, and because she is selfish, then God will send the Holy Ghost to sit
on the rock next to him. The Holy Ghost will ask, “what is up?” The Holy Ghost doesn’t care. He may say,
“she wants me to lead provide, protect, but I need someone to wipe my nose and
take care of me” it is a very uncomfortable conversation when the Holy Ghost
shows up and the woman has gone on without him. The man can become bitter and
angry and blame it on the Holy Ghost and wife. The man has to realize that he
will have to get up and move and make wife’s life easier, better, and improve
things. It may look like he is being pressured into doing better.
Ladies, I’m going to be direct. Sometimes the Holy Ghost is ready to talk, but is waiting so you
can shut up so that the Holy Ghost can tell him what he needs to hear. He may
be saying, “I know that you see he needs to learn, hear, and understand things.
But you aren’t in charge of his development.” If he isn’t getting important
things done, then go on without him. It’s not fair, and not right, but women are
thrown into these things and women are strong enough to do these difficult
things. If he isn’t open to learning, then don’t insist on talking to him. Let
the Holy Ghost talk to him. You go get your life together as if there was no
man to help.
Q: What do we do when their efforts aren’t enough or good
enough? My husband is doing well with the Men of Moroni program, and I’m making
progress with my recovery. We are both at a point where we are ready to move
forward with us, but his efforts kind of suck. I feel like I still have to put
out what I would like to see – directly, and he isn’t really great at it. I’ve
explained to him that a lot of it is him stopping hurtful behaviors, and this
put us in neutral territory in our relationship. I’ve outlined what I need to be able to move into friendly
territory. When he tries, I do not know how much credit to give him, or say
dude that sucked and move on.
A: There’s a ying/yang dynamic in male/female relationships.
A female brain tends to have very clear vision of what relationship is supposed
to be like – I like to call it celestial orientation. Women have an insatiable
drive to pull their family in a celestial direction. Men have tendency to be
satisfied WAY before the female brain is.
In looking at history – men in most of history, have had a
responsibility to provide and protect. For example, a man in a war zone, or
Vietnam is experiencing leeches, wet socks, sleeping in swamps. His day dream is to just be able to sleep on
the floor where it is safe, where no one is trying to kill me, and not eat
spam. Just this slightest bit of stability would be thrilling and satisfying,
even to be in a cave with a dirt floor. Often, generations of this mentality
have been going on – just meeting simple animal basic needs with a place to
sleep and eat. Their focus may be mainly to create an environment of security.
However, there’s a world beyond that when you add a woman –
she innately brings carpet, women, curtains, flower beds, a need to make it
look like temple, not just on the outside, but it is the feel of relationship.
If a man is just working to be safe, he may be surprised and
confused to see that there’s more – it may take him 300 years of evolution to
figure out, and women may become frustrated.
A GPS requires a clear destination point – (Women specialize
in this) to accurately get you somewhere.
Where things are more challenging for men, is when they
don’t have the skill, wisdom, or experience to know where they are or what the
next step is.
Women can see and understand this, but he does not
understand or see this.
Some have a blueprint or they work inside their head of what
has to be done. We often ask men “what have you been trying to do to improve
marriage that she might not be noticing yet?”
This can be a very useful conversation for a wife to have,
so that she can learn that there is more going on that she can’t see – mental ,
emotional, physical. This gives a man the chance to start talking about it… but
be very careful.
It’s like him bringing you a macaroni necklace, and he wants
you to wear it, saying, “I worked so hard to be a great husband this
week.” Your response is “Wow, that’s
awesome!” When children bring you a necklace, there’s no danger in celebrating
progress or lavishing praise. However, usually a man wants the equivalent of
Christmas or buying them a new car because they made you a macaroni necklace.
This becomes challenging. You can nurture the relationship, differently in
every case. Some women have insane degree of self security and can put
themselves in a vulnerable position – that’s great.
If you can only provide him with a pat on the head and a
small smile, that’s okay. It is vital
to not give more than you can, as a gift for gratitude for two reasons:
1 You don’t want more trauma just for showing appreciation
2 If a man is going to be healthy, he needs to do good
things because they are good. We teach men not to rely on arm of flesh, or to
expect you to clap, throw parade, etc when they do it right. They need to do it
right even if she doesn’t respond or if she responds negatively.
Sometimes a man’s positive behavior can trigger a negative
response for a woman. I hope that every woman, when she connects with God will
be that she can guess the likely improvements, and that she can choose the
wisest expression of appreciation.
If he asks how your day was – when he doesn’t normally ask.
Respond, “that’s nice of you to ask. I’ve worked on a few things. if you are
interested, you can ask more questions.” There’s no reason to give him a party
in the bedroom just because he asked a question.
Q: Gift sex. We talk about 2 primary forms of sexuality –
sexual or physical intimacy. Sometimes it’s just a hand on a shoulder or hand
holding because the intimacy should always match the healthiness of
relationship. However, if you are blessed with a surge of feminine strength,
and your sanity has nothing to do with him, if you feel inclined to drag your
guy into the bedroom when he doesn’t deserve it, and he didn’t earn it, and he
didn’t even ask for it. With gift sex, there’s no obligation, with nothing
required.
If you have this bizarre personal strength, you just want to
gift sex (gift to you sex) because you have this surplus of energy and
strength.
If he handles it incorrectly, it won’t be traumatizing to
you. If you are hoping he will respond in a constructive manner, then don’t set
yourself up for pain. If he improves -
great.
Q: Not quite sure how to phrase, but we went for the gift
sex a couple of weeks ago, and now he is terrified of going there. He’s afraid
of causing more pain. How much space do I give? Do I give encouragement? Things
seem off, his dedication to his goals is not as intense, and some crazy medical
stuff came up and he stopped marking his calendar. Do I give gentle reminder,
or step back? Where is my place to encourage? Where does helpmeet begin and co
dependency end?
A: The simplest response is to put a meter inside of you, to
monitor when it feels you are flipping to mother vs. spouse mode. Ask sincere
WHY questions. “What’s going on? Why?”
We start to proceed with the assumption that everyone wants
to be a better person, spouse etc. But what if there’s something getting in
way? – even developmental issues, just getting in the way.
Girls do a good job talking each other through things, and
they use exploratory questions. Girlfriends can help, but most of the time,
they ask the questions, and then you figure it out yourself.
Sometimes there are patterns that contradict this. Knowing
your husband you might be able to ask, “I noticed your calendar was not where
it was supposed to be, do you know what is disrupting your system?”.
I had a man and wife in my office this am. He has a list of
behaviors that are destructive to his marriage – involving other women he is
not married to. He sincerely doesn’t know what is going wrong with his brain.
He studied breaking the chains video and was in tears because there’s more to
self mastery – including training, studying enemy, strategizing.
A helpmeet can help you talk through what is going on with
your head and has compassion when you can’t figure it out.
Some of most intimate psychological experiences I’ve had
with a client have been where neither of us know the answers. Using the prayer
pattern in James that Joseph Smith used, through prayer, we ask, and insights
start to come together, and we start to work out the idea.
Never assume someone else’s behaviors are an easy fix. You
know how hard self-mastery is in your own life – if there was a quick fix you
would have implemented it. Assume this is the same with everyone else. Even if
it is just reading or writing each day. Ask them, what do you think is going
on?
Ask so they can listen with their ears, and not be
distracted by what they think you may want to hear. If you can’t provide safe
place for them to talk, ponder and pray, then don’t go there.
It might look like this “I noticed this, and am a little
worried about it. Will you please look for some revelation for that? I’ll be
over here in the meantime.” You may have to prepare yourself for the
possibility that the man may not figure it out. Some women have husbands who
don’t figure it out. Some men are on
roller coasters who figure it out, and then lose it over and over, and some men
are still figuring it out.
When you pressure and push, then you are enabling and codependent. If you need them to figure something out so that you can maintain sanity – then you are in a codependent dynamic.
When you pressure and push, then you are enabling and codependent. If you need them to figure something out so that you can maintain sanity – then you are in a codependent dynamic.
Q: Trying not to go too far.
A: When man is on a rock, trying to connect with God, he will be pushed to being a patriarch again. He doesn’t need you to do anything. Even if his wife leaves him on rock, he will often jump on his horse and race to catch back up.
A: When man is on a rock, trying to connect with God, he will be pushed to being a patriarch again. He doesn’t need you to do anything. Even if his wife leaves him on rock, he will often jump on his horse and race to catch back up.
Q: I’ve read or heard regarding sex, “oh you should wait for
30 or 90 days – I worry that maybe if it is too early, it may be a hindrance to
him.”
A: (Trying to clarify the question)…?trying to figure out
the right length of time for a sexual fast. Afraid of guessing too far or too
close. If too short, obligated to fulfilling commitment?
Q: (Clarifies) Husband used pornography and masturbation for
years, every couple of weeks. He is just starting these programs. We
communicate well. The porn and mastubation never seemed to be part of our
sexual intimacy and stuff. I have fear that maybe it is more. He isn’t
pressuring at all – whatever feels most comfortable for me he is fine with. I’m
worried that I’m not allowing myself time to heal.
A: Don’t make decisions about sexual patterns for his sake.
Decisions re: what would be better or worse for him. Make decisions that are
best for you. I wouldn’t make rules regarding a strict number of days. However,
when he isn’t around, during your daily rituals, make a decision for the next
24 hours, based on the patterns of what has been going on. Just like we tell
our teenagers –decide in advance how far you are willing to go. In your daily
rituals determine if you are only willing to hold hands – and stay true even if
he is the most romantic ever. Hold true. In your personal time you decide what you
are okay with regarding an intimate response.
Passive approach or active approach – determine what you
feel best with. I encourage daily decisions for better emotional security.
Q: I am 6 months past my husband no longer living there, as
we are now divorced. I still have a relationship with and have to deal with
him. I am in a place of working to heal. Things are coming up gently, little by
little. I need to understand addiction and manipulation, how to not buy into
it. I’m also wondering also about the psyche of female spirit.
A: If you have lived with someone for so long and gotten
used to their manipulation styles, you can become accustomed, and it is
difficult to discern – as such you want to make sure you don’t get into that
situation again.
Q: Trying to learn to identify it again. He can still put me
in my place and trigger me – it is so covert/aggressive. Need to learn to stand
strong and not buy into it.
A: In so many women that I work with, I see a craving for
celestial communication as their core template or approach. When speaking with
another human being, we automatically anticipate respect, and are almost always
unprepared for negative manipulate experiences. One of the best phrases or
interpretations I learned in grad school is “if it feels twisted, it is
twisted”. You will recognize twisted conversations with people if you are in a
celestial mindset.
An example of this is, that if someone comes walking towards
you with a really big coat… you may rationalize that maybe it is just a really
big coat and maybe they don’t really have bombs strapped to themselves.
In the military however, they understand safety first. Check
first, then proceed.
You can do this also as you listen to yourself. First you
get slight twisted stomach feeling before they even start. Sometimes even a
knot in stomach – before you even start to talk.
As soon as you don’t have a brilliant response – productive
self response –then shut it off.
I can often twist people up in knots, this is a more
masculine characteristic, and I don’t mind brutalizing someone who is trying to
hurt me. Women aren’t often used to this. So, you will want to shut down
conversation as fast as possible and prepare the for secondary abuse that comes
afterwards. They often require that you stand and take abuse while they are
trying to hit you.
It will never feel natural to shut someone else down. You
will always feel flickers of guilt, thinking you should have listened more.
With celestial characteristics of a conversation –it is hard to give them
responsibility for messing up the conversation.
Put alarm in chest that will go off when someone is trying
to control the conversation. Get away as fast as possible. Be okay shutting up
and hanging up on people.
There’s no commandment “thou shalt not be rude and hang up
on people.” Hang up on anyone who is mean to you. Don’t let them talk like that
to you. Don’t ever allow anyone to abuse you. Hang up.
Q: If you try to distance self – what do you do if they try
to keep it going?
A: Practice for these situations. Have suitcase in your
trunk so you can jump in and drive away. If you are losing the ability to be
productive in a conversation, then do what it takes to disengage. It may feel
like you got kicked out of your home in Nauvoo, and you will have to survive
with a shoddy handcart.
Q: What if you have children?
A: Get ready to take them with you. Some people find some
place to stay until he initiates improving things correctly, or you need a
lawyer. If you are divorcing and it becomes unpleasant – get a lawyer involved.
Q: How do you talk to an ex if you have to talk about
children?
A: I’ve seen cases where you don’t talk at all unless
there’s a lawyer. Or when a parent is the intermediary. Please prepare self for
that possibility. If he isn’t adjusting to a cooperative communication
style. If he can sucker you into acting
in embarrassing ways (that you couldn’t use for a young women’s video on how to
deal with a difficult situation) then find other options.
Q: Have a hard time wrapping brain around asking him to do
something to make me feel safe vs. getting him to do something I want. My
husband goes to ARP, but it doesn’t feel like he is working a recovery. I
suggested he start the Men of Moroni program, or get counseling. I told him I
would wait 30 days. He decided just to come to therapy with me for marriage
counseling. Just want him to do MOM or something. What’s the diff between
saying I want him to do that, vs. him choosing for himself.
A: One thing I would include with conversations with men –
communicate that this is your first time going through this as well, and you
need to figure out what you need for your healing. You aren’t an expert on
healing. There were no lessons in mia maids on how to heal from finding out
your husband is a sex addict. I tell
men, to expect their wife to change everyday. Men have to be strong enough to
handle that shifting.
You have to package everything in IF/THEN statements. Put it
into a cause and effect statement as much as possible. Then he has choice to not
do it.
ie. “If you are not able to figure out how to create a safe
environment for me, then I will need to retreat to a safe distance.” or “If you
cannot get your head on straight, I will need to retreat to a safe
distance.” You many not even know what
that distance is. It may be not
sleeping in the same bed, an in home separation – you’ll have to determine.
Q: What if he thinks that what he is doing is enough?
A: Trying to fix a marriage is like making bread. Ask, who
did you check your recipe with? Did you just throw in some ingredients, or did
you ask an expert? Marital repair requires proper ingredients and time. If it
is not done correctly, you won’t have an effective marriage.
A typical reaction may be, “I want to do it my way, I don’t
want to go outside to get it.” Well,
there’s a recipe you have to follow in order to have a wife. Ask them to listen
to the last 5 years of priesthood conference talks, and see if they are doing
those things, and use your if/then statements:
“If you are not able to figure this out on your own, then I
will have to retreat to a safe distance.” “If you don’t find the right people
to help you recover, then I will have to retreat to a safe distance.” “Until
you figure this out, I cannot be your wife.” Try to keep it conceptual rather
than behavioral.
Q: Is pornography ever a choice vs. addiction? How can you tell difference between choice and addiction?
A: We can separate
people into 4 categories:
- Almost never.
- Experimenters (like casual drinkers) – choosing, and not addicted.
- Addict – clarify what an addict is, part of brain that makes decisions. Think of a nut and bolt set. We all have areas in life that we haven’t tightened down on. I have things I should do to become a better biker. I wrestled in high school, and know what I would need to do, but am not willing to make those changes. An addict is like a bolt but the threads are stripped – when they tighten down they fall apart.
- Former addict - has gone through all of the process, and keeps self in safety zone to make sure they don’t fall apart. A while back, I wrote an article in response to Elder Oaks’ article. If a man is claiming he’s not an addict – then he is more responsible, because he is claiming it is a choice that he is choosing. As such, a woman’s reaction should be more dramatic, as in “if this is your choice, then you need to be out, because you are choosing this over your family, and there’s no reason for me to have patience with it, as your choice to states that it is more important than this family. If you recognize however, that you are an addict, then you will need professional help to get self through it.”
Don’t leave self in position to be hurt by an addict. You
can have patience, but from a safe position. You can recognize, okay you are an
addict and you need help, and invite to go away until you overcome it – where
it doesn’t hurt me. Possibly, separate bedrooms or living spaces.
I know they want you to be patient, nurturing, caring.
Gratefully the last Ensign came out with article talking about how damaging and
hurt the wives are in these scenarios. If you were hurt and lying in hospital
bed, no one expects you to show up to AA to help support someone else through
their addiction. They let them be turned over to other professionals, and
acknowledge, “yes I’m sad for you, but I have 2 broken legs, as am going for
spinal surgery tomorrow, and am not well enough to pat your hand while you sit
in ARP meeting.”
Q: What tools do I have in my tool box to help me figure out
if it is addict or choice behavior. He stopped masturbating 5 weeks, no porn
for 2 months. Are we in an addict cycle, or is he just choosing to stop?
A: Don’t spend much time trying to decide on the difference.
Every day in your time with God, decide what is safe for your today. Determine
is he likely to hurt me today, or improve our marriage and family today. Don’t
focus on whether or not an addiction, just choose how hopeful you will be today
based on his interactions from the past 2 days. If he feels like a guy who is
safe to invest in today, then make that investment. God doesn’t let us know how
unsafe it will be or what scary things are going to happen. Go with what you do
know, if you feel prompted that it will be safe for today.
Sometimes at least you’ll be given an answer re: 24 hours.
Q: In a difficult spot now. My husband has had repeated
situations where I’ve discovered porn, he has taken videos, and he isn’t
disclosing, and he has done some scary stuff. I went to temple, and felt peace
contemplating divorce. Things came to a head quickly. Because of his behavior –
he’s been in denial for a couple of years. He admitted that it has been for the
last 5 years. I’m not sure if he is telling truth because he is changing
his story. I don’t know how to find
decisions at this point.
A: Brings to mind story of Nephi when he was trying to do
good, to get the plates. He started with a friendly conversation, then went to
material objects. When he had the idea of chopping off Laban’s head, he didn’t
feel completely comfortable with the idea. Chopping off or killing a marriage
is as edifying as chopping off a head – it’s not. I don’t think you will ever
have same glorified sensation as you would in having a child or doing something
good. Resign self that it is going to be very painful. In previous Q& A
referred to a Nephite woman having to kill someone to protect herself and her
family. You have to leave room for a miracle, and have to let him do the work
to find the miracle.
Say, “based on our history I have to prepare for life
without you. I am sad, as this is not my preference, and I’m hoping for a
miracle. If you want to, go find men who know how to train you. Go find answers
and a miracle for our family…The priesthood session from last conference spoke
specifically to this. In the meantime,
I’m going to prepare myself for the possibility that you aren’t going to bring
a miracle. And I want to make sure, you prioritize my safety over yourself
right?”
I hope this gives you a place to start. Work on preparing
yourself for a successful divorce. If he wants to talk it out, he needs to use
someone else who is qualified to do so.
Ladies, I’m reverenced by the opportunity to work with you
and for you. I want to apologize for any lack of wisdom we have as a team,
myself specifically as we try to find solutions for the pain you are in. You
don’t deserve these situations, and I empathize and have compassion that even
if you do it perfectly, it doesn’t guarantee your families will come back
together because it is tied into someone else’s choice. As a youth you repeated
every week in young women’s that God loves you. I don’t understand why God
leaves room for you to be in so much pain, or his comforting process that he
provides, but I know that he does so.
Do not underestimate the power of the Pioneer Woman in your mind. You can and
will thrive if you are kicked out of your home, forced to cross a river in the
ice with your children. You can do hard
things even if no one is there to help you. Access that part of your brain. If
no one else has compassion, believes in/you, be strong and do it right anyways.
Please continue to submit questions to the office, and believe in Jennifer and
Jody, as I have every confidence in them.