Strengthening Her Tree Analogy
Imagine that there are two trees in a yard, each one representing a spouse. If the wife spends all of her time focused on what is happening with her husband's tree (is he growing? is there new outgrowth? a new weed? is he getting enough water?) then her own tree will be neglected. Because of her misplaced focus and neglect, her roots become brittle and shrink, leaves wilt, fruit doesn't produce, insects and disease invade and attack, and when gales come through, she may be broken and upended, or she may become choked by weeds and slowly wither, shrivel and die. Similarly, if one is solely focused on the growth, weeding, watering, and tending of another's physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional needs (policing, babysitting, mothering or monitoring a spouse), then they neglect their own needs and their own progress and growth is halted. If the wife recognizes that the only thing she can control is her own tree, as she connects and reaches up to the skies, she finds sunlight and growth. She finds the air and water that she needs, she's able to tend to the weeds of self doubt and despair, her roots grow deep, her trunk thickens, and she is able to withstand the gales and forces of nature which attack her. When one recognizes that they cannot control another's progress or growth, and they focus on what is within their realm of influence, (their own growth and progress), they become strong and self sufficient, better able to interact and connect with God and others. Each of us has an emotional tree. If we are focused on helping our spouse "water and take care" of his tree (managing his recovery), then our own tree is neglected. As such, our tree's branches and roots begin to wither and we lose our stability and we stop growing. If however, regardless of how our spouse's recovery is going, if we focus on watering and taking care of our own emotional tree and needs each day, we will be able to survive and reap the fruits of emotional health, regardless of where our spouse is in his recovery process.