Hit By A Truck - Worth Version
MaryAnn Michaelis
We use an analogy of being hit by a truck to illustrate what a woman experiences & her healing process, upon discovering of, or a spouse’s disclosing of his sexual addiction and/or mis-behaviors.
In this analogy, the husband is driving a big truck down the
road, but the windows are foggy, and he isn’t able to see out of them clearly.
Because of this, as he drives, he careens down the street. As his wife sees his
erratic driving, she runs alongside trying to help him, shouting out, “honey, a
little more to the left, you’ve just gone over the curb!” and “oh, no -watch
out for the neighbor’s flower bed!” and “oops, watch out! You are going to hit
the kids who are playing on the lawn!”
As she runs along shouting instructions, she tries to help him, to keep
him safe, and protect others in his path and around him.
And then, in the process, he swerves and doesn’t see her
there – because his windows are foggy (addict fog or addict brain) and she gets
run over by this truck. For the wife,
this is usually D Day – when she discovers or he discloses his
addiction/mis-behaviors. Unknowingly, she
had been running along, trying to help him – knowing something was off or not
quite right, but not knowing exactly what. She may have shared articles, and
books or information with him, that could be helpful to whatever he was dealing
with, and oftentimes, throughout the journey, she would think it had something
to do with her – if only she were thinner, prettier, smarter, more accomplished
etc… then he would be interested in her, or wouldn’t act that way. And so she
has spent a lot of time questioning herself and her worth …but in the end
Disclosure/Discovery day hits, and she is hit by this big truck that her
husband is driving.
After D Day, as her husband gets out of the cab, he wipes his
forehead and says, “Phew! I am SO glad to be out of that truck -that was crazy.
I can’t believe it…I couldn’t see anything… it was so foggy. I’m so glad I can
see clearly now!” Everything is finally
out in the open – now he doesn’t have to hide it anymore…what a relief! And so,
as he jumps out of the cab to the ground, he looks around for his wife. He may be relieved that everything is out in
the open now and be ready to start working with the Bishop and with his support
group - working on his recovery and repentance.
As he looks for his wife, he and others may show some frustration. Where in the dickens is his wife? Why isn’t she here helping him? At a time like this, she should be there by
his side helping him! Others may also ask why she isn’t there by his side,
helping him - she’s his wife, can’t see understand how much help and support he
needs? He needs to talk to the Bishop and it’s going to be hard, and he needs
her to hold his hand and help him while he goes to this meeting - he needs her
help and support while he works on his recovery, because it is going to be
really hard, and he isn’t sure if he can do it without her help.
When he finally finds her, he discovers that she is on the
ground, lying in a heap, with every single bone in her body crushed and broken.
Even though he has an important meeting to go to, he and others may not realize
that she needs surgery – and she can’t help him. She has to focus on her own
healing. It will take a long time, and she will be in the hospital, in a full
body cast for the next several months. She’s in no place to be able to help
him, because she has been so painfully crushed, and she will need to use all of
her strength, energy and focus to work on her own healing. She may not be able to function, or even get
dinner for her kids for a while. She has a very separate journey of healing
that she will need to take, and while she would love to help support her
husband in his recovery, she is incapable of helping him.
Part of her recovery will be learning to deal with the
Betrayal Trauma and the accompanying PTSD type triggers and symptoms caused by
his disclosure and actions. She may experience
anxiety, intense emotions, self-questioning and doubt, depression, triggering,
and she will go through a grieving process.
As she heals, she will need to be able to share her story
with other trusted individuals, so that she can process through her pain and
emotions, rather than having to bury and hide her emotions in secrecy and
shame. This is often most effective in a
therapeutic group setting, where she can find validation, express her pain, and
learn to set and use appropriate boundaries, through which she can create
safety for herself and her children; honor her emotions with dignity, and the
importance of self-care – connecting to Heavenly Father every day, and taking
care of herself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally each day.